2018 So Far

2018 so far? Mediocre at best. It has been a bumpy road from the first day of the year to present time. I’ll give you a short overview but feel free to pry in my personal inbox or phone, and we can always chat about whatever.

Let’s just dive right in.. I totaled my car, lost my job due to not being able to get to work all of the time, and am very very broke hahahaha. It has been 3 months of fees, paperwork, financial stress, and just emotions being absolutely all over the place. I have felt hopeful one day and absolutely lost the next. Today is a middle day between those two things. I am writing this post so I can talk about the good things so that on the next day I feel lost, I can read this and be reminded of Gods blessings (even when they are different from what I wish He would give me.) And to ask for prayer over all of my mess, thank you in advance haha.

·        Borrowed Cars: I have had two absolutely amazing families let me borrow their cars so I could get to and from work when I was working. Shout-out to the Clems and the Adamsons – While these last 3 months have been absolutely hard and terrifying, I am aware they could have been way worse if all of you had not blessed me this way. A million thank-you’s will never be enough to show my gratitude.

·        Support System: From my mamma, Micah, and my circle of friends – I could not have gotten through these last few months without your help and guidance. Whether it was words of encouragement, prayers, helping me pay my bills, listening to me cry (I can cry a lot for one human, just ask them), spending time with me, and anything else, I am deeply moved by your efforts. Letting people take care of me can be hard when it comes to my pride and feelings of being unworthy, but you’ve pushed through. Knowing that you all are down in this trench with me until I get out means everything to me. I love you.

·        Counseling:  Shout-out to Lisa!! Thank you for all of the ways you encourage me and also call me out. Thank you for helping me search for jobs. Thanks you for sharing scripture, knowledge, and helping me rewire my ways of thinking. Thank you for the ways you open up my mind. Thank you for exposing me in ways that feel hard and vulnerable and impossible to change but doing the hard work with me anyways. I know it’s your job to help me, but every time I leave your office, I feel like I’ve just had a good cry session with a friend and I feel refreshed. You are one of the biggest blessings in my life since I’ve started seeing you and I talk about you more than most people probably talk about their counselor’s haha. Thanks for following Gods call on your life to be a helper – I see Him in you every time we talk.

If you could join me in prayer over these next few things, I would be eternally grateful.

·        Patience: Something I have always lacked and God is asking me to use a lot of it right now – Waiting for a job, a car, and to be out of this storm. I know He doesn’t bring us to the desert to leave us there, but sometimes it feels impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

·        Giving Up Control: I have a desire for control in every aspect of my life, and it really, really, REALLY gets in the way of things. But I’m asking God to have control over me and my future because He and I both know it’s better in His hands. But that does not mean I don’t struggle with it still and it is a daily battle I’m trying to hand over to Him.

·        God’s Will: This has to do a lot with the two things above, but still feel like it deserves it’s individual bullet point. I know Gods will for my life, His timing, and His blessing are all better than anything I could ever work to get on my own. I believe this for everyone around me, but it is hard to grasp for myself. I struggle with believing He wants and desires all of the good things this life has to offer me because why would a sinner like me ever be worthy of that? I know the answer to that, but it is still embedded in my heart and something I discuss a lot in counseling.

I feel like everything around me is unknown, and unknown is hard for someone like me. I always want to plan, I’m a destination person for sure. If you’re reading this and feel like any of it relates, just know that you are not alone. The process of change and growth is a hard one, but I do believe that we can get through it. I believe that it is necessary. And in the meantime of living in the unknown, we can join together and get through the day to day side by side. Thanks friends. Love and hope to all of you :’)

Thankful For Winchester

Well, I've got to add to the long list of people today who are posting what they are thankful for. I've decided i'd like to make a collective list of things that i'm thankful for since moving to Winchester. Even though I have decided to move back to Ohio next month, I am still in awe of the ways God has worked in my life over these last few months (even when it's been so incredibly tough.)

So let's get started!

I am thankful that...

• Jesus is King, even when I try to rule over my own life during certain times, even when I claim to be anything but His. He somehow always brings me back to Him, and that is the biggest blessing of my life. 
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• I was hired at Planet Fitness when I moved to Winchester. Throughout my time here getting to know my wonderful coworkers, I have gotten to experience so much community and life with them. They make me laugh on the daily, and have cared for me so well. I will miss them all dearly when I move back home, but I know we will all still keep in touch.
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• Even though my anxiety and depression have come in waves, often crashing unexpectedly, I have continued learning how much I still need Jesus. I think it's easy for us to forget about that sometimes when life is going well, and moving to Winchester has forced me to recognize that fact again. I hope I continue to learn this.
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• I met Micah. He is so incredibly sweet to me. He shows me Jesus in the way he cares for me and my heart and my life. He is always so quick to offer up himself to serve me well, and always goes the extra mile to reassure me how much he thinks of me and how loved I am by God. His intentionality is something I’ve prayed over for so long.
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• I have had the opportunity to move into my Young Life Area Director and his wife’s house. Ben and Jill have blessed me so much since moving here – Whether it be with food, friendship, their time, and especially their home, they never hesitate to offer up what they can to help me out. Their kindness, laughter, and willingness to share Jesus with me has been crucial for me.
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• I have made so many new friends since moving here. I have met so many kind, caring, funny, smart, charismatic, genuine people and my heart is so full because of them. Although our time has been short, it has been so full.
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• Moving away makes you realize how much you already had back at home. It’s so easy for us to desire and long for more, to not be thankful for what we already have. My time away has made me appreciate my home, my family, and my friends on a level I didn’t know was possible. In all of the little and big things, easy and hard, they have helped mold me into who I am and who I continue to grow to be. I would never take back my time in Winchester, but it sure does make me thankful for life back home. I know I will move away again someday, and I will make sure to take this lesson with me when I go.

There are many more things I am thankful for, that I have learned, and that God is doing in my life. This was just a short list. I encourage you to make your own list today, to share it with the people you care most about. I’m praying for blessings headed your way, for a great day with family and friends, and for lots of yummy food. Be blessed, y’all. 

Winchester - Month One

                My first month in Winchester has officially come and gone, and WOW have I enjoyed my time.

               The first few days were so fun! So many new faces, yummy food, and so many laughs, but the following week was really hard. Two of my roommates were out of town, and the other one had to work a lot. I felt very lonely and missed home a lot – All of my people and all of my places. I cried quite a few times wondering if I had made the right decision in moving to Winchester. I talked to my counselor about it (shout out to Lisa, she’s literally the best) and she suggested trying to fill my time as much as I could. To go read somewhere, site see (I live in a historical district so that’s neat), meet more people and make plans with them.. So I did!

                I went to this cute ‘lil coffee shop called Hopscotch near my house. I read, wrote letters to some friends, had some quite time, and painted. I decided this would be my new spot – It reminds me of Scouts/Coffee Expressions from back home and I like that. I thought about all of the time I would be spending here and felt happy about it.

                A few days after that, I went to one of the local high schools named John Handley. They have this big hill behind the school, and if you walk to the top of it, you have the sweetest view of Winchester. I prayed for the kiddos there and for the future relationships that might develop through Young Life. I prayed that I wouldn’t compare my hometown to this new place, to not diminish it’s people and experiences, to not put it in a box. I prayed that I would have fresh eyes and a servant’s heart for these kids and this community.

                I got a job at Planet Fitness, and I’ve made some cool friends through that. All of the old people who work out there always seem to love the fact that I’m from Ohio ad laugh about how I say pop instead of soda.  Also, one asked me if my car was rusty and I told him I don’t think that’s a stereotype about people from Ohio? He laughed and walked away, and I am still confused.

                Besides missing my people back home, I’ve learned that moving away has proved not as scary as my anxiety tried to convince me it would be. Don’t get me wrong, some days are really hard and I struggle with being here and my heart aches. But I’ve realized I’m still doing a lot of the same things I did back home, here – Still eating lots of chicken, still being weird, and still crying at cute videos of weddings/soldiers coming home/home births. I’ve gained some new friends, new places to hang, and a new connection to Jesus I hadn’t yet experienced. He’s showing me what stepping out of the boat looks like – The risk in sinking, but the reward if I try to trust Him. But mostly that He’s here either way.

But that’s all for now! Just wanted to give a quick update on my life and to say hello. If any of you from Ohio are reading this, please give my mom a hug for me, thanks!

A Letter To My Black Friends

To my black friends… I am sorry.

I am sorry that you have been booed. Outcast. Set aside. Left out to die.

I am sorry that white people ask you to forget about slavery because, ‘it doesn’t happen anymore’, but we don’t dare forget 9/11 because it was an injustice to the American people. Because, ’it’s not the same!!!!” It’s been 16 years since 9/11 and we still grieve it. We still have moments of silence, still have memorials, and say, ‘DAMN THOSE TERRORISTS!!!!!’ And that’s okay.

.. Except for your torture lasted for years and years, more than just one day, which means so did your grief. Even when slavery ended, you still had years and years of oppression. Years where you couldn’t attend the same schools, use the same water fountain, walk into the same grocery store. And somehow, you should just forget about this. You should just forget that your great grandmother was raped by a white man and that was considered okay and normal and without repercussion. In fact – that’s half the reason her life was bought – so a white man could do with what he wanted with her body, whether that be to work his fields or fulfill his sexual desires.

I am sorry that the movement Black Lives Matter has been labeled satire, ridiculous, the movement with no basis, the movement that started for, ‘no reason.’ I am sorry that you had to create movement to stress the importance of your life. I am sorry that even though you created this movement, white people say it’s not important. That because it doesn’t affect them, or that, ‘that stuff doesn’t happen here,’ you MUST be wasting your time fighting for something that doesn’t need fighting for. I am sorry that they say ALL lives matter, all the while ignoring your life when you’ve been shot wrongfully by the ones who are supposed to protect it. I am sorry that the good cops aren’t always the ones in your neighborhood.

I am sorry that people rush to give me every reason why the BLM is a waste of time, why it doesn’t matter, why the reasons we peacefully protest aren’t even true. Yet they don’t say the same things about the KKK or the Westboro Baptist Church. In fact, they rarely even think of those acts of terrorism on a daily basis. They don’t denounce them the same way they denounce you and your skin color.

I am sorry that the few people who have claimed to be a part of the BLM movement and have harmed other humans, who have destroyed businesses and caught the streets on fire, are used to label the movement as an entirety.. But that the white people who have spat, hit, and called black people nigg**s at the Donald Trump rallies aren’t held to the same standard. I am sorry that those people ‘don’t represent every Trump supporter and what they believe,’ but that every person who supports BLM must be an idiot who isn’t educated.

I am sorry that you are a statistic.

I am sorry that Trayvon, Michael, Eric, Ezell, and Akai (and many more) had to be taken from you. I am sorry that I cry for them because I am heartbroken, but that you also cry because of fear that it might happen to you or your loved ones.

I am sorry that I am labeled a crybaby liberal for saying my heart is broken for you, but you are called a nigg** instead.

I am sorry that people still say the word nigg**.

I am sorry that I have lost Twitter followers for posting my beliefs and opinions, but that you have lost the lives of family members for the very same.

I am sorry that I don’t know enough of your black history, and that white people get pissed off that we don’t have White History Month.

I am sorry that I haven’t always stood up for you in the ways I should have when my white friends talk about you.

I am sorry that I have had hard circumstances and things I’ve had to overcome, but that it’s never been because of my skin color.

I am sorry that I can walk the streets at night and fear rape or kidnapping because I am a woman, not because I am white. I am sorry that you walk the streets at night and fear being raped, kidnapped, shot, and even killed, because you are black.

I am sorry that the store clerk stares at you and another employee ‘unsuspiciously’ follows you because you are black and they KNOW you are going to steal something.. But while they are wasting their time watching you, my white friend picks up something off the shelf and gets away with it.

I am sorry that this one kid I went to high school with said that, “98% of people on welfare are black, and that ‘they’ take advantage of the system, and definitely aren’t educated or even have a job.” But that most of the people I personally know abusing welfare are the white people around me. I am sorry they get to abuse the system and not be called names on social media, but that you are called a lazy ass black person.

I am sorry that my white friends want to be a part of your culture in every way except for the ways that get them shot and killed for no reason, and that they don't seem to understand why this is an issue.

I am sorry that there is not much at all that I can offer you besides the fact that I will walk beside you in protest, that I won’t keep quiet about the injustices I see happening around me, and that I will continue to pray for you.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for the million more things I can’t think of right now, and for the things I haven’t yet recognized. I am sorry that I even have to write this letter at all.

But mostly, I am sorry that I will never be able to understand your pain. I am sorry that I will never be able to walk in the exact same shoes as you, that I can’t walk the same path. I am sorry that white people think we are equal in 2017, but would never openly and willingly subject themselves to the same cruelty you have to endure every day.

I am sorry that you have to face all of this because you are black – but I am not sorry that you are black. And I hope you aren’t ever sorry for that either. 

Face Value

I was removing my makeup last night, and couldn’t help but squint in disappointment with the result of my face without makeup on. I silently continued insulting myself as I removed the rest of my makeup and did my bedtime routine.

Why are my cheeks so chubby? What happens when I get married and my husband wakes up to his bride without makeup and he doesn’t like what he sees? Don’t look down at your stomach, it’s too fat. When did I get so big that my double chin was undeniable? Fix your eyebrows. Why can’t my eyes stop looking so tired? Maybe I should keep at least my mascara on in case a boy snapchats me (even the ones who are just friends, I don’t want them to think I’m too ugly). Why can’t I get rid of this acne? Why don’t I look like her? Hold your face up, your double chin is showing again. Why does my hair do that? Should I get more diet pills? This is why he doesn’t like you. Is that another pimple? I wonder what she does to look so pretty. It doesn’t matter, it’ll never be you. Do you really ever think a man could look at you in awe? This is why you don’t get picked. This is why you get overlooked. This is why a man doesn’t love you. This is why you are alone. This is why you are ugly.

 

As I took the picture for this blog post, I was worried about the angle, the lighting, whether I should try to do a nude look instead of actually having no makeup on. I wanted to write an honest blog post about my insecurities and how I want to overcome them. I wanted to inspire the women around me to have deep and intentional conversation, thoughts, and prayers about this subject, because unfortunately it is all too familiar for many of them. So began the next round of questions to myself.

Wait, what?! Why did I just say all those mean things to myself? Why do I have this mindset of who I am, just the way I am, is not good enough? How have the world’s lies and ideas of beauty penetrated this deeply in my heart? It is mind boggling to me that I have strayed so far away from what my heavenly father says about me. Because He calls me worthy. Loved. Beautiful. Cherished. Wonderful. Enough. Significant. He loves the way my cheeks poke out, and He thinks my vampire tooth is cute. He says my double chin is good for funny pictures, and that my eyes are beautiful, even more so without makeup on them. He says my husband will be one who honors my body and my heart, and won’t blink when he sees my messy hair and smudged eye liner (there might even be some drool on the pillow? I sleep really well.)  God knows my acne doesn’t define my value, and that it’s okay to look down at my stomach and still think good thoughts. He is rooting for me. He is shouting my praises all the day long. He is weeping with me. He is strong and mighty, and is going to bat for me daily. He is fighting the good fight for me. He says He won’t rest until I believe Him.

The God of the universe sent His son to die for me on the cross. A real life MAN went to bat and died for me. He thought so much of me that he DIED for me. He did not pause, He did not flinch, and He did not stop when my face flashed across His mind as He hung in agony. He did not look upon me and say that He couldn’t die for me because I am too ugly. Because I have a double chin. Because I hate my body. Because a man hadn’t and maybe wouldn’t ever love me. He went to the cross knowing I would despise His beautiful creation of my body, and took His final breath knowing that I wouldn’t always look upon myself with love. He knew that I would curse His intentional handiwork, yet He made me to look like this anyways. I believe that He had this specific moment in mind, and knew that it was worth dying for. He knew that I would start this conversation, and I think He hoped that I would allow myself to be vulnerable with all of you. I think I wanted to write this so I could let you know that you aren’t alone. To let the women in my life know that I struggle alongside them, but that I also fight for them in just the same manor. My hope is that we can create an open conversation about our heart issues, about our insecurities, about how we will continue to fight the good fight until the day comes that we KNOW and BELIEVE God’s steadfast truths about us. That we will continue to uplift each other in our darkest moments, and celebrate with each other our greatest accomplishments in this battle. I hope you know that it won’t always be like this, and I hope you remind me on the days when I don’t believe that for myself. I hope you feel loved today, and chosen. 

I hope you feel beautiful. 

But just in case you don’t, read those  4^th and 5^th paragraphs again. And if that doesn’t work, hit a sista up, because I have some really great pickup lines and I’ll buy you some ice cream while I sing Justin Bieber to you. What more could you want? ;) 

Acceptance

"The best acceptance speeches are the ones we give ourselves."

I have been away from home and in Florida for 45 days. I have cried, laughed, been angry, happy shouted, questioned why I am here, and I’ve witnessed the lives of our middle school friends be transformed. I have been exhausted and tired, but I have been joyful and alive as well.

I have been left out in the open and exposed to the gospel – and it has been the hardest, most challenging time during my walk with Jesus thus far in life. But along with that, it is the most growth and honest thing I’ve been through. I am in this constant state of being perplexed about how one human brain can realize and learn so much without even trying. The God of the universe is taking the time out of His day to show me how inheritably human I am, but pleading and pursuing me to walk alongside Him. How am I so lucky? (Even when I don’t always feel that way)

I originally set out to write this blog to keep you guys updated about what my time here so far has been like – Things like the amazing friends who are my fellow interns, my daily life in the kitchen, my summer staff, and what is going on in my heart. But I’m going to step outside of that, and just jot down some bullet points about what God is showing me. I want to be able to look back and see the bigger picture, see what God is doing outside of all of those distractions. I want to see the things I am accepting about myself and the things around me. I hope you join in my time of self-reflection, and if not, well…. Look at my Instagram I guess? That’s where the “good” things go that I like to show off because I’m human and crave attention.

·         Pride – Jesus is showing me that my pride/ego are HUGE. He is showing me that I hide behind being funny, loud, independent (from boys, not my mom. I still live her) carefree, and weird, and whatever else so my insecurities don’t show through. While I do believe God has blessed me with those things, I think I can more often than not use them in a way that doesn’t glorify Him. I think more often than not, I use them in front of people because I secretly wonder… What if these people really knew me? What if they knew that I am selfish and prideful? What if they knew that I gossip? What if they knew that I looked at my body and saw something not worthy of being called beautiful or worth loving? What if they knew that I struggle with the temptation to live in worldly things (partying, boys, etc?) What if they really knew ME? I am learning to accept that this is something I have struggled with for a very long time, that it is a something deeply rooted in my soul. It is going to be a long hard road. Which brings me to my next point...

·         Insecurity – I have realized during my time here that I do not have the confidence people often assume I do. I do not have confidence in the Lord and who He made me to be, and wow. How heartbreaking is it to Him that I do not love and accept the wonderful creation that He worked so hard on? That He intentionally made. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things I am confident in, like I mentioned above. I am confident that I can make a room full of people laugh, that I can tell a man I don’t need him, and that I can be the loudest person anywhere at any time at all. But am I confident that I am loved? Accepted? Am I confident that I have purpose, that I am beautiful, that I am His beloved? Am I confident in the Lord? Do I believe what He says about me? About His people? About how I should live? The answer most times is a resounding no. But I am (stubbornly) accepting that He is doing a good work in me, and He is breaking me of these things. SLOWLY but surely. I am excited to see what life back home looks like with what He is teaching me here.

·         Control – This one is hard. I have realized now more than ever that I am crazy about being in control and how things happen around me. I am crazy about the details, not only in my own life, but in the lives of those around me. The way they think about this or that, the way they cut the things we are cooking, how and when they do what I tell them to do, why they are doing this instead of that, etc. They could be doing it in a way that is still right and that will still get it done in time and correctly….. But it’s not how I would do it, so it’s wrong and I am immediately going to question you in an accusatory tone so you know I am not pleased. I think I am the boss, that I am in control. But let me tell ya, Jesus is shouting, “JUST LET ME DO MY JOB! REST IN THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL AND THAT I DO! STOP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL AS IF THEY AREN’T ENOUGH. And I’m like, “okay big man, I get it. I’m trying (maybe). Go ahead and do ya dang thang.” And yes, that really is how I talk to Jesus. I think He likes it though, maybe?

There is about a million and one more little and big things, but we’d have a 12 page blog by then, so I’ll spare you the details unless you ask. Thank you for reading thus far. I’d like to ask that you join me in prayer over these things, along with praying for my time here in general. Pray for my summer staff. Pray for my fellow interns. Pray for the lives of many to be saved. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be blessed, my friends.

With Much Love,

-Bri 

Praying For Southwind

Man, I am so excited. I leave for Southwind in just 26 short days, and I am so incredibly pumped! What a journey this will be. 

Most of you know that I have spent a month out of my last two summers at Southwind, and I’ve loved it. This go around, I’ll be spending my WHOLE summer there!! I’ll be serving as the AM Cook intern, and I think it will be very interesting. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a morning person. I looooooveeee sleeping in and I love me a good nap. Learning to wake up at 4:45 am is going to be an interesting challenge, and I am excited to see how the Lord will grow me by doing something I’m not particularly jazzed about. But what I AM jazzed about is getting to serve God’s people in a place that has changed my life for the better, and with some pretty amazing people alongside me.

My day to day life, from what I know so far, will look a little like this..

I will arrive in the kitchen at 5:30 a.m., where I will greet my summer staff folks. Our summer staff are a group of college aged kids who are VOLUNTERRING a month of their lives to come help serve. This is an amazing thing, and it is so cool to get to witness all my soon to be new friends serving in a way that means giving up their time, possible jobs back home, and time away from their loved ones to serve FOR FREE. They are doing this because they know how powerful a week at camp is for our middle school friends, and how life changing it actually can be. I am already so proud of my new friends I haven’t met yet.

Anyways, we will meet at 5:30 a.m. and begin cookin’ up some delicious breakfast food for our campers. After breakfast is made, served, and eaten, we will begin to either prepare for the next day’s meal, help prepare lunch, and sometimes both. The work in the kitchen is tiring. You are sweating A LOT, you’re on your feet for long amounts of time, and you’re inside a kitchen. Which means you aren’t outside in that beautiful Florida weather. It can be agonizing, at least for people like me who can be selfish sometimes (most times). But we do it because the sad truth is, most of our middle school campers will be eating at a table, family style, for the first time. This means they will be gathered with 6 or so people, either their friends or leaders, around a table, where they will eat a meal TOGETHER. This is a treasure most of us take for granted. We don’t see how lucky we are to be able to do this on a day to day basis, or at least more often than some of these kids. They will be creating deeper relationships at these tables, having conversations and laughing, not even realizing the long lasting effect this can have. Having their bellies full and smiles on their faces is the reason we will be willing to wake up so early. To know, that even just for a moment, they got to be a family, will make the long work day so incredibly worth it. It may sometimes be thankless work, but I must be reminded that Christ did and does this on a daily basis. He serves and blesses us in so many ways, and we don’t take the time to say thank you. I love you. I appreciate you. I hope to become better at this during my internship.. After we leave the kitchen, we will get some free time, and if it’s the same as summers before, we get to help with the night activities!!! Nights were my favorite part of camp all four years I got to go as a student. Bright, smiling, happy faces. I am getting goose bumps just thinking of how God’s hand is in all of this.

I just wanted to share with y’all some of what my time will look like so you could join me in prayer of this next month before I leave. Please be praying for our summer staff, our campers, my fellow interns, and the experiences headed our way. Pray that we have servant’s hearts, even when we are tired and weary, even when we might not want to be there anymore. Pray that we listen and move in whatever ways God might be asking us to. Pray that we become more aware of the cross and not take it for granted. Pray that we go into this with pure and humble intentions, or that we learn to be humble about it along the way. That we keep our eyes focused on God and have minimal distractions. Pray that we become a community of people after God’s heart and His people.

This is a list of summer/year long interns, and I’d love for you to be praying for us and our jobs and everything in between…

·        Tanner

·        Lindsey

·        Brian

·        Sean

·        Zach

·        Colin

·        Haley

·        Shelby

·        Sarah

·        Riley

·        Nick

·        Caitlin

·        Martha

Thank you, friends. Be Blessed!