"The best acceptance speeches are the ones we give ourselves."
I have been away from
home and in Florida for 45 days. I have cried, laughed, been angry, happy
shouted, questioned why I am here, and I’ve witnessed the lives of our middle
school friends be transformed. I have been exhausted and tired, but I have been
joyful and alive as well.
I have been left out in the open and exposed to the
gospel – and it has been the hardest,
most challenging time during my walk with Jesus thus far in life. But along
with that, it is the most growth and
honest thing I’ve been through. I am in this constant state of being
perplexed about how one human brain can realize and learn so much without even
trying. The God of the universe is taking the time out of His day to show me
how inheritably human I am, but pleading and pursuing me to walk alongside Him.
How am I so lucky? (Even when I don’t always feel that way)
I originally set out to
write this blog to keep you guys updated about what my time here so far has
been like – Things like the amazing friends who are my fellow interns, my daily
life in the kitchen, my summer staff, and what is going on in my heart. But I’m
going to step outside of that, and just jot down some bullet points about what
God is showing me. I want to be able to look back and see the bigger picture,
see what God is doing outside of all of those distractions. I want to see the things I am accepting about myself and the things around me. I hope you join in
my time of self-reflection, and if not, well…. Look at my Instagram I guess?
That’s where the “good” things go that I like to show off because I’m human and
crave attention.
·
Pride – Jesus is showing me that my
pride/ego are HUGE. He is showing me that I hide behind being funny, loud, independent
(from boys, not my mom. I still live her) carefree, and weird, and whatever
else so my insecurities don’t show through. While I do believe God has blessed
me with those things, I think I can more often than not use them in a way that
doesn’t glorify Him. I think more often than not, I use them in front of people
because I secretly wonder… What if these people really knew me? What if they
knew that I am selfish and prideful? What if they knew that I gossip? What if
they knew that I looked at my body and saw something not worthy of being called
beautiful or worth loving? What if they knew that I struggle with the
temptation to live in worldly things (partying, boys, etc?) What if they really
knew ME? I am learning to accept that this is something I have struggled with for a very long time, that it is a something deeply rooted in my soul. It is going to be a long hard road. Which brings me to my next point...
·
Insecurity – I have realized during my
time here that I do not have the confidence people often assume I do. I do not
have confidence in the Lord and who He made me to be, and wow. How
heartbreaking is it to Him that I do not love and accept the wonderful creation
that He worked so hard on? That He intentionally made. Now don’t get me wrong,
there are some things I am confident in, like I mentioned above. I am confident
that I can make a room full of people laugh, that I can tell a man I don’t need
him, and that I can be the loudest person anywhere at any time at all. But am I
confident that I am loved? Accepted? Am I confident that I have purpose, that I
am beautiful, that I am His beloved? Am I confident in the Lord? Do I believe
what He says about me? About His people? About how I should live? The answer
most times is a resounding no. But I am (stubbornly) accepting that He is doing a good work in me, and He is
breaking me of these things. SLOWLY but surely. I am excited to see what life
back home looks like with what He is teaching me here.
·
Control – This one is hard. I have
realized now more than ever that I am crazy about being in control and how
things happen around me. I am crazy about the details, not only in my own life,
but in the lives of those around me. The way they think about this or that, the
way they cut the things we are cooking, how and when they do what I tell them
to do, why they are doing this instead of that, etc. They could be doing it in
a way that is still right and that will still get it done in time and correctly…..
But it’s not how I would do it, so it’s wrong and I am immediately going to
question you in an accusatory tone so you know I am not pleased. I think I am
the boss, that I am in control. But let me tell ya, Jesus is shouting, “JUST
LET ME DO MY JOB! REST IN THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL AND THAT I DO!
STOP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL AS IF THEY AREN’T ENOUGH. And I’m like, “okay big man,
I get it. I’m trying (maybe). Go ahead and do ya dang thang.” And yes, that
really is how I talk to Jesus. I think He likes it though, maybe?
There is about a million and one more little and big
things, but we’d have a 12 page blog by then, so I’ll spare you the details
unless you ask. Thank you for reading thus far. I’d like to ask that you join
me in prayer over these things, along with praying for my time here in general.
Pray for my summer staff. Pray for my fellow interns. Pray for the lives of
many to be saved. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be blessed, my friends.
With Much Love,
-Bri