Acceptance

"The best acceptance speeches are the ones we give ourselves."

I have been away from home and in Florida for 45 days. I have cried, laughed, been angry, happy shouted, questioned why I am here, and I’ve witnessed the lives of our middle school friends be transformed. I have been exhausted and tired, but I have been joyful and alive as well.

I have been left out in the open and exposed to the gospel – and it has been the hardest, most challenging time during my walk with Jesus thus far in life. But along with that, it is the most growth and honest thing I’ve been through. I am in this constant state of being perplexed about how one human brain can realize and learn so much without even trying. The God of the universe is taking the time out of His day to show me how inheritably human I am, but pleading and pursuing me to walk alongside Him. How am I so lucky? (Even when I don’t always feel that way)

I originally set out to write this blog to keep you guys updated about what my time here so far has been like – Things like the amazing friends who are my fellow interns, my daily life in the kitchen, my summer staff, and what is going on in my heart. But I’m going to step outside of that, and just jot down some bullet points about what God is showing me. I want to be able to look back and see the bigger picture, see what God is doing outside of all of those distractions. I want to see the things I am accepting about myself and the things around me. I hope you join in my time of self-reflection, and if not, well…. Look at my Instagram I guess? That’s where the “good” things go that I like to show off because I’m human and crave attention.

·         Pride – Jesus is showing me that my pride/ego are HUGE. He is showing me that I hide behind being funny, loud, independent (from boys, not my mom. I still live her) carefree, and weird, and whatever else so my insecurities don’t show through. While I do believe God has blessed me with those things, I think I can more often than not use them in a way that doesn’t glorify Him. I think more often than not, I use them in front of people because I secretly wonder… What if these people really knew me? What if they knew that I am selfish and prideful? What if they knew that I gossip? What if they knew that I looked at my body and saw something not worthy of being called beautiful or worth loving? What if they knew that I struggle with the temptation to live in worldly things (partying, boys, etc?) What if they really knew ME? I am learning to accept that this is something I have struggled with for a very long time, that it is a something deeply rooted in my soul. It is going to be a long hard road. Which brings me to my next point...

·         Insecurity – I have realized during my time here that I do not have the confidence people often assume I do. I do not have confidence in the Lord and who He made me to be, and wow. How heartbreaking is it to Him that I do not love and accept the wonderful creation that He worked so hard on? That He intentionally made. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things I am confident in, like I mentioned above. I am confident that I can make a room full of people laugh, that I can tell a man I don’t need him, and that I can be the loudest person anywhere at any time at all. But am I confident that I am loved? Accepted? Am I confident that I have purpose, that I am beautiful, that I am His beloved? Am I confident in the Lord? Do I believe what He says about me? About His people? About how I should live? The answer most times is a resounding no. But I am (stubbornly) accepting that He is doing a good work in me, and He is breaking me of these things. SLOWLY but surely. I am excited to see what life back home looks like with what He is teaching me here.

·         Control – This one is hard. I have realized now more than ever that I am crazy about being in control and how things happen around me. I am crazy about the details, not only in my own life, but in the lives of those around me. The way they think about this or that, the way they cut the things we are cooking, how and when they do what I tell them to do, why they are doing this instead of that, etc. They could be doing it in a way that is still right and that will still get it done in time and correctly….. But it’s not how I would do it, so it’s wrong and I am immediately going to question you in an accusatory tone so you know I am not pleased. I think I am the boss, that I am in control. But let me tell ya, Jesus is shouting, “JUST LET ME DO MY JOB! REST IN THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL AND THAT I DO! STOP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL AS IF THEY AREN’T ENOUGH. And I’m like, “okay big man, I get it. I’m trying (maybe). Go ahead and do ya dang thang.” And yes, that really is how I talk to Jesus. I think He likes it though, maybe?

There is about a million and one more little and big things, but we’d have a 12 page blog by then, so I’ll spare you the details unless you ask. Thank you for reading thus far. I’d like to ask that you join me in prayer over these things, along with praying for my time here in general. Pray for my summer staff. Pray for my fellow interns. Pray for the lives of many to be saved. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be blessed, my friends.

With Much Love,

-Bri