What I Learned At Summer Staff

Before we begin, I just wanted to say PLEASE DO SUMMER STAFF IF YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE IT’LL BE LIFE CHANGING. Also, this is gonna be a bit lengthy. Sorry! (but also I'm not)

God showed me Himself in many different little ways. A few would be.. Getting to spend a day with my friend Ashley from summer staff last summer and her asking me the hard questions. Kasey hearing about me before we even got there from a mutual friend and instantly becoming pals. Gillian and her comforting eyes telling me that it was okay to be sad. Grace from Cleveland so I have friend who’s not so far away. And DJ Keesh saying, “Maybe that’s why you're supposed to be here.” I am thankful for these things, among a million others.

For a while now, I've been struggling with depression. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, and there was a lot of denial and shame about it. I thought if I just kept focused on God, i'd find relief. But the depression just got worse. I was drowning in it and I woke up most days with the feeling of not wanting to be alive. I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to be here, in y life, in my circumstances. And I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought people would say that Christians can't struggle with depression because that means they don't love Jesus enough. Or that they would treat me differently. Or that it would remind them of our friend who committed suicide a few years back and it would hurt them. But I have recently within the last few months learned that those things are lies, and that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this life alone

While at summer staff, Jesus did some work in my heart, let me tell ya. It was easier to be happy at Southwind, and to actually be around people. Although my problems did come to surface more, I had a community of people who were loving on me, and saying that I belonged. But there was one particular day that I woke up and I was just so angry. And sad. I didn’t know why, and that made it worse. I made it to breakfast but then I couldn’t even eat and I had to get up and walk out. My summer staff boss (who is too legit, btw) came out to where I was, and patiently listened to me sob and snot everywhere and then prayed over me. She suggested going out to the bike path by myself, for an hour, and spending time with Jesus. I didn’t think anything would come of it, but I went. And then Jesus was all like, “LOL GOTCHA! PLZ DON’T DOUBT ME AGAIN,” and He was “saying” that because I opened up my devotional to the perfect page, and it was the story about the man who was paralyzed on his mat. I’ve heard it a million times, I’ve given YL talks about it, but this time, it was for me.

In this particular passage, Jesus asks, “Do you want to get well?” And this man is sick and left out and alone, so of course we are thinking he wants to get well. But in this particular devotional, the author talks about being willing. He also happened to go through a spout of depression, so it felt relatable. And I guess I never thought about that in my own life. I wanted Jesus to make me well. I didn’t want to be depressed anymore, I didn’t want to always want to be alone, to have no ambition, to struggle to just get out of bed every day, to never have an end to this sadness. But what was I doing to change my circumstances, to get through this depression with Jesus? Absolutely nothing is the answer. I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t worshipping, I wasn’t being held accountable, I wasn’t seeking Christ in any way shape or form. I wasn't seeking Christ in any way. But what I was doing was participating in worldly things, and that’s exactly what I got. A worldly depression. But thank God (literally) that He did something to me in that hour alone out on the bike path. I felt like a weight had been lifted. My spirit completely changed. I cried and he heard me. I can’t explain why or how, but He changed me.

I am still depressed, and my circumstances are still hard. I am still going to see a therapist. But I know I will eventually see a light at the end of this tunnel. It is by no means easy. I don’t know if it entails eventually not struggling with depression, but I do know that it means I do not walk alone and that I don't have to not be alive to feel joy again. I might forget here and there, but now I have a community here at home and a community from all over who is actively praying and rooting for me. I will not always be okay, but I know now that it is okay to not be okay (Thanks for reminding me of that, Mangas) I know that Jesus has got my back and He is working in the details. I know that I am loved and alive because He wants me to be. And the same goes for you, friends. It is not over. Satan has not won. These small victories will get us to the end. I love you. 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Caitlyn Jenner: I will call you Loved.

"I'm not sure there’s anything worse than causing those whom God loves, to question whether God loves them."  

There's so many articles and blog posts going around about the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. And I'm not here to say whether it's right or wrong, just to share how in my own opinion, I think we as followers of Jesus can react. Not only to Bruce, now Caitlyn, but to the LGBT community in general.

I think we are called to love them. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” {John 13:34-35} So even if we see it as sin or disagree with their decisions, we are still called to love these people. The verse doesn’t include, “UNLESS THEY ARE TRANS OR GAY, THEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO.” That includes their good deeds, sins, accomplishments, flaws, great personality traits, and shortcomings. Love them as they are, ya know? This includes Caitlyn Jenner. It includes me. It includes you.

"For God so loved the world (Caitlyn Jenner) that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." {John 3:16} God doesn't exclude anyone. He didn’t exclude Zacchaeus the tax collector, Rahab the prostitute, or the woman caught in adultery. The list goes on.. He also didn't exclude me. The selfish, prideful, gossiping, sinning, and most times, unfaithful person that I am. When Jesus went to the cross, He saw all I am and all I ever will be, and still chose to die for me. I am so blessed that He doesn’t love me based off my decisions, because I would have been forgotten a long time ago. I have a feeling most of us would have.

Let’s shift the topic a little bit, to the reason I feel the need to post this blog in the first place. The reason I think we are called to love everyone... Let’s talk about the rate of suicide among transgender youth and adults in our country. The numbers are sobering. As are the staggering numbers of homeless youth who come out to their parents, and instead of being comforted and supported, find themselves on the streets. Let’s talk about them. Because every time a celebrity—whether you think their fame is deserved or not—comes out, the road gets a little easier for those kids, and those adults. According to surveys, 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population has self-reported a suicide attempt, with that number climbing to between 10 and 20 percent for lesbian, gay or bisexual respondents. By comparison, 41 percent of trans or gender nonconforming people surveyed have attempted suicide.. Isn't this heartbreaking? Some of you may know, but for those of you who don't, I myself attempted suicide when I was in high school. Though my reasons may have been different, I was still broken, and I could and still can identify with the LGTB community who have been through this. When you're at that point, when you feel so lonely and hurt, you don't need more reasons (from people, the media, society, etc) to make you feel unloved, unwanted, like that is your only option out of it all. You need love, grace, mercy, kindness, support, etc. You need a community of people who want to help lift you up out of your darkness. 

Will you join me in changing how we as Christians treat those around us, including the LGBT community? Because the reality of all of this is that every. single. one. of us sins. None of us are short of this disease. But God still wakes us up every day, still loves us, and still makes His mercies new for us each morning. He loves us despite of what the world says about us, and how society says people should treat us. We worship a God who looks past all of it. He asks that we do the same for His people, no matter who they are.

How can you love someone better today?

You See The Depths Of My Heart, and You Love Me The Same

The last 8 months or so of my life have been some of the hardest ones yet. I started college and just as soon, had to leave (there's this thing where you have to pay for it and that sucks, haha) But don't fret, I plan to return. During that time, I realized that college is the real deal and you don't get to slack off like in high school. School has never been my forte, so this was a whole new world for me. Lots and lots of homework, studying, and naps (well the nap part wasn't exactly new) I had also left an organization that had pretty much been my life since 8th grade. Young Life is a huge part of me and why I am who I am today. I quit my short time of leading to go to school and had thought about trying it out at college, but always found an excuse about why I couldn't go. I think I just secretly didn't want to participate in it unless it could be with my hometown. While I deeply miss it and all it comes with, I can look back at my time away as a time of growth and knowing Jesus outside of Young Life. For that, I am so very thankful.

 ...But back to the whole college thing. While there. I began to struggle a lot with getting into the partying scene and all that comes with it. I had friendships, but not deep ones that actually cared about what was going on. Not ones that reminded me of who I am, what I believe in, and questioned me about why I was choosing to participate in activities that I knew weren't life giving. Temptation on a college campus is a real thing, my friends. I commend all those who don't sucumb to it, but relate and care for those of us who give in and get lost for awhile. Sure, drinking can be amusing sometimes. Dressing cute, dancing with your friends, and funny stories. But Satan comes to us disguised as everything we've ever wanted. For me, it was about the attention I would get with my physical appearance, how everyone loved how I could dance, and my sense of humor never hurt either. But compliments from young drunk boys and girls saying you're the life of the party only last so long until you realize that those words are empty and eventually so are you. This kind of life style is not life giving and most definitely isn't fulfilling. I had to realize that the hard way. There's many more grueling details and minor things I was dealing with, but will spare you of them because this post is getting too long. 

But I can't say I would take any of it back because I learned so much from those 6 months away from home, and continue to learn since returning home. Me and Jesus are the most real we've ever been with each other. I've been trying to honestly seeking Him, and like always, He shows up. Though there are very very tough things going on in my life right now, and being in a constant state of falling on my knees is the hardest thing i've ever gone through, it's also the most rewarding because Jesus never leaves. I'm resting in His grace and mercy everyday. His constant love. God is so so good, my friends. This post is random, but I just wanted to share with my small world of people about my life and what it looks like currently. 

"Even when the rain falls,
Even when the flood starts rising,
Even when the storm comes...
I am washed by the water" -NeedToBreathe

Repentance: What It Looks Like To Come Back To Jesus

                I heard that during a sermon at my church earlier this year (shout out to Soma!!) During the sermon, Pastor Dave talked about how the most evident thing of God’s grace is repentance. He said that we as humans often view it as the opposite: Weakness, non-growth with Jesus, etc. It’s so true, at least for me it is. Or was. If you’re asking for forgiveness, you've clearly done something wrong. Your relationship with Jesus MUST be strained, right? Or so I thought.....

He goes on to say that on earth, repentance seems like something we stray from, and from the people who are doing it. But in Heaven, it’s gaining ground. That repentance is the act of coming back to God. At this point, my mind is just completely blown. I've never viewed asking God for forgiveness like this. I always thought that it made me weak, that it was just another time that I've messed up and have to let God down, AGAIN. Needless to say, this sermon up and changed a huge part of my relationship with Jesus. It made me realize that while I am a sinner, I have a God who is at arm’s reach and who is willing to have me back the moment I ask for Him. That asking for forgiveness, in fact, gets me to Him. If my heart’s desire is to be near Him, then repentance is how I do it. Dave said something along the lines of, “because the question is not, ‘do I need repentance?’ It is, ‘Do I see it? Do I see my sin?’” EVERYONE needs repentance, and I am glad that I am qualified in that category. Not that I am glad that I sin, but that I don’t have to feel like a bad Christian for needing God’s grace. I’m glad that I am included in EVERYBODY instead of feeling alone in my sin. I no longer have to feel a negative stigma when I am talking to God about my brokenness, something all of us humans suffer with. I am not weak, I am trying.

These last 6 months of my life have been some tough ones. I've been experiencing a whole whirlwind of ups and downs, and I can’t say that I’ve looked to God in a lot of it. I can say that not looking to God has caused me even more hurt and sin, and I've been trying to clean myself up before I let Him in again. But my bestfriend Ashley just recently reminded me that I don’t have to be clean to come to God, He is the one who does that. He makes me new. He takes my filthy rags and washes them white as snow. I went back to viewing forgiveness as something only “weak Christians” do and thinking that my community would judge me if I just up and put my sin out there for the world to see. But then I went back, reread my notes from this sermon, and it hit me like a ton of bricks again. While I can’t say that I am happy about my recent decisions, I can say that my heart if overwhelmed with relief that I don’t have to be. I am once again amazed and in awe of my God who is still here. Still quietly whispering to me that I am still His. Repentance is a beautiful thing, my friends. And I am glad to be reminded of it.