Before we begin, I just wanted to say PLEASE DO SUMMER
STAFF IF YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE IT’LL BE LIFE CHANGING. Also, this is gonna be a
bit lengthy. Sorry! (but also I'm not)
God showed me Himself in
many different little ways. A few would be.. Getting to spend a day with my
friend Ashley from summer staff last summer and her asking me the hard questions.
Kasey hearing about me before we even got there from a mutual friend and
instantly becoming pals. Gillian and her comforting eyes telling me that it was
okay to be sad. Grace from Cleveland so I have friend who’s not so far away. And
DJ Keesh saying, “Maybe that’s why you're supposed to be here.” I am thankful
for these things, among a million others.
For a while now, I've been struggling with depression.
I didn't tell anyone for a long time, and there was a lot of denial and shame about it. I thought if I just kept focused on God, i'd find relief. But the depression just got worse. I was drowning in it and I woke up most days with the feeling of not wanting to be alive. I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to be here, in y life, in my circumstances. And I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought people would say that Christians can't struggle with depression because that means they don't love Jesus enough. Or that they would treat me differently. Or that it would remind them of our friend who committed suicide a few years back and it would hurt them. But I have recently within the last few months learned that those things are lies, and that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this life alone
While at summer staff, Jesus did some work in my
heart, let me tell ya. It was easier to be happy at Southwind, and to actually
be around people. Although my problems did come to surface more, I had a
community of people who were loving on me, and saying that I belonged. But
there was one particular day that I woke up and I was just so angry. And sad. I
didn’t know why, and that made it worse. I made it to breakfast but then I
couldn’t even eat and I had to get up and walk out. My summer staff boss (who
is too legit, btw) came out to where I was, and patiently listened to me sob
and snot everywhere and then prayed over me. She suggested going out to the
bike path by myself, for an hour, and spending time with Jesus. I didn’t think
anything would come of it, but I went. And then Jesus was all like, “LOL
GOTCHA! PLZ DON’T DOUBT ME AGAIN,” and He was “saying” that because I opened up
my devotional to the perfect page, and it was the story about the man who was paralyzed
on his mat. I’ve heard it a million times, I’ve given YL talks about it, but
this time, it was for me.
In this particular passage, Jesus asks, “Do you want
to get well?” And this man is sick and left out and alone, so of course we are
thinking he wants to get well. But in this particular devotional, the author
talks about being willing. He also happened to go through a spout of depression, so it felt relatable. And I
guess I never thought about that in my own life. I wanted Jesus to make me
well. I didn’t want to be depressed anymore, I didn’t want to always want to be
alone, to have no ambition, to struggle to just get out of bed every day, to
never have an end to this sadness. But what was I doing to change my
circumstances, to get through this depression with Jesus? Absolutely nothing is
the answer. I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t worshipping, I wasn’t being held
accountable, I wasn’t seeking Christ in any way shape or form. I wasn't seeking Christ in any way. But what I was doing was participating in worldly things, and that’s exactly what I got. A worldly
depression. But thank God (literally) that He did something to me in that hour alone out on the bike path. I felt like a
weight had been lifted. My spirit completely changed. I cried and he heard me.
I can’t explain why or how, but He changed me.
I am still depressed, and my circumstances are still
hard. I am still going to see a therapist. But I know I will eventually see a light at the end of this tunnel. It is by no means easy. I don’t know if it entails eventually
not struggling with depression, but I do know that it means I do not walk alone and that I don't have to not be alive to feel joy again.
I might forget here and there, but now I have a community here at home and a
community from all over who is actively praying and rooting for me. I will not
always be okay, but I know now that it is okay to not be okay (Thanks for
reminding me of that, Mangas) I know that Jesus has got my back and He is
working in the details. I know that I am loved and alive because He wants me to
be. And the same goes for you, friends. It is not over. Satan has not won. These small victories will get us to the end. I love you.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
