Face Value

I was removing my makeup last night, and couldn’t help but squint in disappointment with the result of my face without makeup on. I silently continued insulting myself as I removed the rest of my makeup and did my bedtime routine.

Why are my cheeks so chubby? What happens when I get married and my husband wakes up to his bride without makeup and he doesn’t like what he sees? Don’t look down at your stomach, it’s too fat. When did I get so big that my double chin was undeniable? Fix your eyebrows. Why can’t my eyes stop looking so tired? Maybe I should keep at least my mascara on in case a boy snapchats me (even the ones who are just friends, I don’t want them to think I’m too ugly). Why can’t I get rid of this acne? Why don’t I look like her? Hold your face up, your double chin is showing again. Why does my hair do that? Should I get more diet pills? This is why he doesn’t like you. Is that another pimple? I wonder what she does to look so pretty. It doesn’t matter, it’ll never be you. Do you really ever think a man could look at you in awe? This is why you don’t get picked. This is why you get overlooked. This is why a man doesn’t love you. This is why you are alone. This is why you are ugly.

 

As I took the picture for this blog post, I was worried about the angle, the lighting, whether I should try to do a nude look instead of actually having no makeup on. I wanted to write an honest blog post about my insecurities and how I want to overcome them. I wanted to inspire the women around me to have deep and intentional conversation, thoughts, and prayers about this subject, because unfortunately it is all too familiar for many of them. So began the next round of questions to myself.

Wait, what?! Why did I just say all those mean things to myself? Why do I have this mindset of who I am, just the way I am, is not good enough? How have the world’s lies and ideas of beauty penetrated this deeply in my heart? It is mind boggling to me that I have strayed so far away from what my heavenly father says about me. Because He calls me worthy. Loved. Beautiful. Cherished. Wonderful. Enough. Significant. He loves the way my cheeks poke out, and He thinks my vampire tooth is cute. He says my double chin is good for funny pictures, and that my eyes are beautiful, even more so without makeup on them. He says my husband will be one who honors my body and my heart, and won’t blink when he sees my messy hair and smudged eye liner (there might even be some drool on the pillow? I sleep really well.)  God knows my acne doesn’t define my value, and that it’s okay to look down at my stomach and still think good thoughts. He is rooting for me. He is shouting my praises all the day long. He is weeping with me. He is strong and mighty, and is going to bat for me daily. He is fighting the good fight for me. He says He won’t rest until I believe Him.

The God of the universe sent His son to die for me on the cross. A real life MAN went to bat and died for me. He thought so much of me that he DIED for me. He did not pause, He did not flinch, and He did not stop when my face flashed across His mind as He hung in agony. He did not look upon me and say that He couldn’t die for me because I am too ugly. Because I have a double chin. Because I hate my body. Because a man hadn’t and maybe wouldn’t ever love me. He went to the cross knowing I would despise His beautiful creation of my body, and took His final breath knowing that I wouldn’t always look upon myself with love. He knew that I would curse His intentional handiwork, yet He made me to look like this anyways. I believe that He had this specific moment in mind, and knew that it was worth dying for. He knew that I would start this conversation, and I think He hoped that I would allow myself to be vulnerable with all of you. I think I wanted to write this so I could let you know that you aren’t alone. To let the women in my life know that I struggle alongside them, but that I also fight for them in just the same manor. My hope is that we can create an open conversation about our heart issues, about our insecurities, about how we will continue to fight the good fight until the day comes that we KNOW and BELIEVE God’s steadfast truths about us. That we will continue to uplift each other in our darkest moments, and celebrate with each other our greatest accomplishments in this battle. I hope you know that it won’t always be like this, and I hope you remind me on the days when I don’t believe that for myself. I hope you feel loved today, and chosen. 

I hope you feel beautiful. 

But just in case you don’t, read those  4^th and 5^th paragraphs again. And if that doesn’t work, hit a sista up, because I have some really great pickup lines and I’ll buy you some ice cream while I sing Justin Bieber to you. What more could you want? ;) 

Acceptance

"The best acceptance speeches are the ones we give ourselves."

I have been away from home and in Florida for 45 days. I have cried, laughed, been angry, happy shouted, questioned why I am here, and I’ve witnessed the lives of our middle school friends be transformed. I have been exhausted and tired, but I have been joyful and alive as well.

I have been left out in the open and exposed to the gospel – and it has been the hardest, most challenging time during my walk with Jesus thus far in life. But along with that, it is the most growth and honest thing I’ve been through. I am in this constant state of being perplexed about how one human brain can realize and learn so much without even trying. The God of the universe is taking the time out of His day to show me how inheritably human I am, but pleading and pursuing me to walk alongside Him. How am I so lucky? (Even when I don’t always feel that way)

I originally set out to write this blog to keep you guys updated about what my time here so far has been like – Things like the amazing friends who are my fellow interns, my daily life in the kitchen, my summer staff, and what is going on in my heart. But I’m going to step outside of that, and just jot down some bullet points about what God is showing me. I want to be able to look back and see the bigger picture, see what God is doing outside of all of those distractions. I want to see the things I am accepting about myself and the things around me. I hope you join in my time of self-reflection, and if not, well…. Look at my Instagram I guess? That’s where the “good” things go that I like to show off because I’m human and crave attention.

·         Pride – Jesus is showing me that my pride/ego are HUGE. He is showing me that I hide behind being funny, loud, independent (from boys, not my mom. I still live her) carefree, and weird, and whatever else so my insecurities don’t show through. While I do believe God has blessed me with those things, I think I can more often than not use them in a way that doesn’t glorify Him. I think more often than not, I use them in front of people because I secretly wonder… What if these people really knew me? What if they knew that I am selfish and prideful? What if they knew that I gossip? What if they knew that I looked at my body and saw something not worthy of being called beautiful or worth loving? What if they knew that I struggle with the temptation to live in worldly things (partying, boys, etc?) What if they really knew ME? I am learning to accept that this is something I have struggled with for a very long time, that it is a something deeply rooted in my soul. It is going to be a long hard road. Which brings me to my next point...

·         Insecurity – I have realized during my time here that I do not have the confidence people often assume I do. I do not have confidence in the Lord and who He made me to be, and wow. How heartbreaking is it to Him that I do not love and accept the wonderful creation that He worked so hard on? That He intentionally made. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things I am confident in, like I mentioned above. I am confident that I can make a room full of people laugh, that I can tell a man I don’t need him, and that I can be the loudest person anywhere at any time at all. But am I confident that I am loved? Accepted? Am I confident that I have purpose, that I am beautiful, that I am His beloved? Am I confident in the Lord? Do I believe what He says about me? About His people? About how I should live? The answer most times is a resounding no. But I am (stubbornly) accepting that He is doing a good work in me, and He is breaking me of these things. SLOWLY but surely. I am excited to see what life back home looks like with what He is teaching me here.

·         Control – This one is hard. I have realized now more than ever that I am crazy about being in control and how things happen around me. I am crazy about the details, not only in my own life, but in the lives of those around me. The way they think about this or that, the way they cut the things we are cooking, how and when they do what I tell them to do, why they are doing this instead of that, etc. They could be doing it in a way that is still right and that will still get it done in time and correctly….. But it’s not how I would do it, so it’s wrong and I am immediately going to question you in an accusatory tone so you know I am not pleased. I think I am the boss, that I am in control. But let me tell ya, Jesus is shouting, “JUST LET ME DO MY JOB! REST IN THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL AND THAT I DO! STOP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL AS IF THEY AREN’T ENOUGH. And I’m like, “okay big man, I get it. I’m trying (maybe). Go ahead and do ya dang thang.” And yes, that really is how I talk to Jesus. I think He likes it though, maybe?

There is about a million and one more little and big things, but we’d have a 12 page blog by then, so I’ll spare you the details unless you ask. Thank you for reading thus far. I’d like to ask that you join me in prayer over these things, along with praying for my time here in general. Pray for my summer staff. Pray for my fellow interns. Pray for the lives of many to be saved. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be blessed, my friends.

With Much Love,

-Bri 

Praying For Southwind

Man, I am so excited. I leave for Southwind in just 26 short days, and I am so incredibly pumped! What a journey this will be. 

Most of you know that I have spent a month out of my last two summers at Southwind, and I’ve loved it. This go around, I’ll be spending my WHOLE summer there!! I’ll be serving as the AM Cook intern, and I think it will be very interesting. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a morning person. I looooooveeee sleeping in and I love me a good nap. Learning to wake up at 4:45 am is going to be an interesting challenge, and I am excited to see how the Lord will grow me by doing something I’m not particularly jazzed about. But what I AM jazzed about is getting to serve God’s people in a place that has changed my life for the better, and with some pretty amazing people alongside me.

My day to day life, from what I know so far, will look a little like this..

I will arrive in the kitchen at 5:30 a.m., where I will greet my summer staff folks. Our summer staff are a group of college aged kids who are VOLUNTERRING a month of their lives to come help serve. This is an amazing thing, and it is so cool to get to witness all my soon to be new friends serving in a way that means giving up their time, possible jobs back home, and time away from their loved ones to serve FOR FREE. They are doing this because they know how powerful a week at camp is for our middle school friends, and how life changing it actually can be. I am already so proud of my new friends I haven’t met yet.

Anyways, we will meet at 5:30 a.m. and begin cookin’ up some delicious breakfast food for our campers. After breakfast is made, served, and eaten, we will begin to either prepare for the next day’s meal, help prepare lunch, and sometimes both. The work in the kitchen is tiring. You are sweating A LOT, you’re on your feet for long amounts of time, and you’re inside a kitchen. Which means you aren’t outside in that beautiful Florida weather. It can be agonizing, at least for people like me who can be selfish sometimes (most times). But we do it because the sad truth is, most of our middle school campers will be eating at a table, family style, for the first time. This means they will be gathered with 6 or so people, either their friends or leaders, around a table, where they will eat a meal TOGETHER. This is a treasure most of us take for granted. We don’t see how lucky we are to be able to do this on a day to day basis, or at least more often than some of these kids. They will be creating deeper relationships at these tables, having conversations and laughing, not even realizing the long lasting effect this can have. Having their bellies full and smiles on their faces is the reason we will be willing to wake up so early. To know, that even just for a moment, they got to be a family, will make the long work day so incredibly worth it. It may sometimes be thankless work, but I must be reminded that Christ did and does this on a daily basis. He serves and blesses us in so many ways, and we don’t take the time to say thank you. I love you. I appreciate you. I hope to become better at this during my internship.. After we leave the kitchen, we will get some free time, and if it’s the same as summers before, we get to help with the night activities!!! Nights were my favorite part of camp all four years I got to go as a student. Bright, smiling, happy faces. I am getting goose bumps just thinking of how God’s hand is in all of this.

I just wanted to share with y’all some of what my time will look like so you could join me in prayer of this next month before I leave. Please be praying for our summer staff, our campers, my fellow interns, and the experiences headed our way. Pray that we have servant’s hearts, even when we are tired and weary, even when we might not want to be there anymore. Pray that we listen and move in whatever ways God might be asking us to. Pray that we become more aware of the cross and not take it for granted. Pray that we go into this with pure and humble intentions, or that we learn to be humble about it along the way. That we keep our eyes focused on God and have minimal distractions. Pray that we become a community of people after God’s heart and His people.

This is a list of summer/year long interns, and I’d love for you to be praying for us and our jobs and everything in between…

·        Tanner

·        Lindsey

·        Brian

·        Sean

·        Zach

·        Colin

·        Haley

·        Shelby

·        Sarah

·        Riley

·        Nick

·        Caitlin

·        Martha

Thank you, friends. Be Blessed!