I was removing my makeup last
night, and couldn’t help but squint in disappointment with the result of my
face without makeup on. I silently continued insulting myself as I removed the
rest of my makeup and did my bedtime routine.
Why are my cheeks so chubby? What
happens when I get married and my husband wakes up to his bride without makeup
and he doesn’t like what he sees? Don’t look down at your stomach, it’s too
fat. When did I get so big that my double chin was undeniable? Fix your
eyebrows. Why can’t my eyes stop looking so tired? Maybe I should keep at least
my mascara on in case a boy snapchats me (even the ones who are just friends, I
don’t want them to think I’m too ugly). Why can’t I get rid of this acne? Why
don’t I look like her? Hold your face up, your double chin is showing again.
Why does my hair do that? Should I get more diet pills? This is why he doesn’t
like you. Is that another pimple? I wonder what she does to look so pretty. It
doesn’t matter, it’ll never be you. Do you really ever think a man could look
at you in awe? This is why you don’t get picked. This is why you get
overlooked. This is why a man doesn’t love you. This is why you are alone. This
is why you are ugly.
As I took the picture for this blog
post, I was worried about the angle, the lighting, whether I should try to do a
nude look instead of actually having no makeup on. I wanted to write an honest
blog post about my insecurities and how I want to overcome them. I wanted to
inspire the women around me to have deep and intentional conversation,
thoughts, and prayers about this subject, because unfortunately it is all too
familiar for many of them. So began the next round of questions to myself.
Wait, what?! Why did I just say all
those mean things to myself? Why do I have this mindset of who I am, just the
way I am, is not good enough? How have the world’s lies and ideas of beauty
penetrated this deeply in my heart? It is mind boggling to me that I have
strayed so far away from what my heavenly father says about me. Because He
calls me worthy. Loved. Beautiful. Cherished. Wonderful. Enough. Significant. He
loves the way my cheeks poke out, and He thinks my vampire tooth is cute. He
says my double chin is good for funny pictures, and that my eyes are beautiful,
even more so without makeup on them. He says my husband will be one who honors
my body and my heart, and won’t blink when he sees my messy hair and smudged
eye liner (there might even be some drool on the pillow? I sleep really
well.) God knows my acne doesn’t define my
value, and that it’s okay to look down at my stomach and still think good
thoughts. He is rooting for me. He is shouting my praises all the day long. He
is weeping with me. He is strong and mighty, and is going to bat for me daily.
He is fighting the good fight for me. He says He won’t rest until I believe
Him.
The God of the universe sent His
son to die for me on the cross. A
real life MAN went to bat and died for me. He thought so much of me that he DIED for me. He did not pause,
He did not flinch, and He did not stop when my face flashed across His mind as
He hung in agony. He did not look upon me and say that He couldn’t die for me
because I am too ugly. Because I have a double chin. Because I hate my body. Because
a man hadn’t and maybe wouldn’t ever love me. He went to the cross knowing I
would despise His beautiful creation of my body, and took His final breath
knowing that I wouldn’t always look upon myself with love. He knew that I would
curse His intentional handiwork, yet He made me to look like this anyways. I
believe that He had this specific moment in mind, and knew that it was worth
dying for. He knew that I would start this conversation, and I think He hoped
that I would allow myself to be vulnerable with all of you. I think I wanted to
write this so I could let you know that you aren’t alone. To let the women in
my life know that I struggle alongside them, but that I also fight for them in
just the same manor. My hope is that we can create an open conversation about
our heart issues, about our insecurities, about how we will continue to fight
the good fight until the day comes that we KNOW and BELIEVE God’s steadfast
truths about us. That we will continue to uplift each other in our darkest
moments, and celebrate with each other our greatest accomplishments in this
battle. I hope you know that it won’t always be like this, and I hope you
remind me on the days when I don’t believe that for myself. I hope you feel
loved today, and chosen.
I hope you
feel beautiful.
But
just in case you don’t, read those 4th
and 5th paragraphs again. And if that doesn’t work, hit a sista up,
because I have some really great pickup lines and I’ll buy you some ice cream
while I sing Justin Bieber to you. What more could you want? ;)
