Tight Like 7

JAMES RAMBO

So there's this kid, and his name is James. He's in a wheelchair, smokes cigarettes, wears the same hat everyday, doesn't sleep, and blows my mind with his thoughts on life. We are complete opposites in just about everything, but still, somehow, he has managed to become my bestfriend here.

 He has talked with me every night until at least 2 in the morning (we've managed to go until 4 a.m. before, multiple times at that) for like the last four weeks about who I am, what I think, my life, and everything inbetween. And if you know me well, you know that I can talk a lot. But he listens and comments, and I do the same for him. It's our thing. Through all of this, i've learned a lot about myself and what I think. He calls me out on my crap, but in the way that only your friends can. Ashley is really good at that too. But anyways. I guess that I just wanted to make an appreciation post about him because he has helped me a lot. He's been a friend, and who doesn't need a friend or two, ya know? 

Fatherless

A word that no longer defines me. 

(This post is not intended to be a hateful one, but a story of my realization on my end. A story of the truth after so many lies I let myself believe. I held myself and my dad to impossible standards. I am not broken because of how our story was written, and I do not need fixing from a human. He and I are the same looking sinners in need of the same looking cross. I know now that the things I used to believe and that are listed below are not the things my dad intended on my feeling. Life happens, ya know? It wasn't his fault.)

Over these last few weeks, I have realized that most of my life, fatherless has defined who I am, what I have done, and what I do now. That word has made me feel so lowly for a long time. But as of lately, i've been wondering why I have allowed my circumstances to become who I am, or what I am known for. Why I walk around with it stamped across my forehead, or at least that's how I feel sometimes.

There are many great things about me, and many great things that have happened in my life. But that word, fatherless, has crept into so many parts. It has made me insecure in who I am, telling me that my value in not that of significance because I didn't have a dad. Or that I shouldn't trust men. I believed that somehow, that single word is the biggest part of me, and that I am somehow not a whole  person because of it. That being fatherless is all my testimony has to it. That my humor, love, and and compassion for people all came from being fatherless, because I learned how to be happy without one and learned how to treat people the way I always wanted to be treated from a father. And maybe these words only make sense to me, but that's okay. 

Here lately, I have learned even more so that I was never fatherless. There's always been one for me in Heaven, whether I wanted to acknowledge that or not. I have learned that I am of importance simply because God created me, not because who was or was not in my life. I have learned that I can trust man and give man a chance, because even those who have wronged me are still products of the same God I am, and still deserve Grace as I do. That my testimony is a story of God's unconditional love and nothing else. That my humor, love, and compassion for people isn't always because I didn't get that from an earthly father and just want people to have what I didn't, but because that's what God chose to give me to lead the lost and broken like myself back to Him. This word, this simple word, doesn't have power over me anymore.

 I am Brianna Nichol Ragan. I am loud. I love to sing and dance like a crazy person. I love Jesus. Buffalo sauce is good on everything in my opinion. I'm always cold. I am weird. Those are things about me, and they can change at anytime. But that's okay, because they don't define me. Who I am in Christ is all that matters. 

The Day I Met My Dad (10-11-14)

And I want you to know, Mike, that I forgive you and I forgive myself for holding in so much pain. I want to show you love and light, and I want to you to know that it's okay that things weren't ideal for us. Everything in life happens for a reason, I want you to forgive yourself for not always being around, and I don't want you to carry around the burden of that. Whether you could change that or not, it doesn't matter. We are here, in the now, and that's all anyones got. Whether this day is all we have, or there are many more, we will always be defined by what we choose. I am not fatherless, and you are not daughterless. We are who we are. 

College Is A Weird Thing

Just like the weather, everything is changing.

I started college about six weeks ago, and now everything is changing. My attitude, my actions, my words, what I eat, my work habits, life plans, the way I intereact with people, how I think of myself, my relationship with Jesus..... Everything. Some good, some bad. It's been a confusing few weeks for me. 

• College so far has made me realize that it is not the only way to be successful, and all those people shouting that an expensive education is where your worth and value come from, don't know diddly squat. 
• It has taught me that people come from all different walks of life, and that everything you do effects the people around you. And these people, whether you believe in or do the same things, are human and deserve love.
• Food from the student union makes your stomach feel weird things after awhile.
•  College has taught me that you will make mistakes and that's okay. That you find out more about yourself in one week than you have in most of your lifetime. 
• It has also taught me responsibility in time managment, school work, money, and just about everything else.
• And it has taught me that it is okay to question the "norm," of your life and explore new thoughts and actions. I feel like i'm finally learning about who I am and what I believe in on my own personal time and level. Not what I felt like society was telling me my life should or should not look like. I'm finding out who I am before the world told me who I was. (I read that somewhere I think, i'm not that cool to make that up)