2018 So Far

2018 so far? Mediocre at best. It has been a bumpy road from the first day of the year to present time. I’ll give you a short overview but feel free to pry in my personal inbox or phone, and we can always chat about whatever.

Let’s just dive right in.. I totaled my car, lost my job due to not being able to get to work all of the time, and am very very broke hahahaha. It has been 3 months of fees, paperwork, financial stress, and just emotions being absolutely all over the place. I have felt hopeful one day and absolutely lost the next. Today is a middle day between those two things. I am writing this post so I can talk about the good things so that on the next day I feel lost, I can read this and be reminded of Gods blessings (even when they are different from what I wish He would give me.) And to ask for prayer over all of my mess, thank you in advance haha.

·        Borrowed Cars: I have had two absolutely amazing families let me borrow their cars so I could get to and from work when I was working. Shout-out to the Clems and the Adamsons – While these last 3 months have been absolutely hard and terrifying, I am aware they could have been way worse if all of you had not blessed me this way. A million thank-you’s will never be enough to show my gratitude.

·        Support System: From my mamma, Micah, and my circle of friends – I could not have gotten through these last few months without your help and guidance. Whether it was words of encouragement, prayers, helping me pay my bills, listening to me cry (I can cry a lot for one human, just ask them), spending time with me, and anything else, I am deeply moved by your efforts. Letting people take care of me can be hard when it comes to my pride and feelings of being unworthy, but you’ve pushed through. Knowing that you all are down in this trench with me until I get out means everything to me. I love you.

·        Counseling:  Shout-out to Lisa!! Thank you for all of the ways you encourage me and also call me out. Thank you for helping me search for jobs. Thanks you for sharing scripture, knowledge, and helping me rewire my ways of thinking. Thank you for the ways you open up my mind. Thank you for exposing me in ways that feel hard and vulnerable and impossible to change but doing the hard work with me anyways. I know it’s your job to help me, but every time I leave your office, I feel like I’ve just had a good cry session with a friend and I feel refreshed. You are one of the biggest blessings in my life since I’ve started seeing you and I talk about you more than most people probably talk about their counselor’s haha. Thanks for following Gods call on your life to be a helper – I see Him in you every time we talk.

If you could join me in prayer over these next few things, I would be eternally grateful.

·        Patience: Something I have always lacked and God is asking me to use a lot of it right now – Waiting for a job, a car, and to be out of this storm. I know He doesn’t bring us to the desert to leave us there, but sometimes it feels impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

·        Giving Up Control: I have a desire for control in every aspect of my life, and it really, really, REALLY gets in the way of things. But I’m asking God to have control over me and my future because He and I both know it’s better in His hands. But that does not mean I don’t struggle with it still and it is a daily battle I’m trying to hand over to Him.

·        God’s Will: This has to do a lot with the two things above, but still feel like it deserves it’s individual bullet point. I know Gods will for my life, His timing, and His blessing are all better than anything I could ever work to get on my own. I believe this for everyone around me, but it is hard to grasp for myself. I struggle with believing He wants and desires all of the good things this life has to offer me because why would a sinner like me ever be worthy of that? I know the answer to that, but it is still embedded in my heart and something I discuss a lot in counseling.

I feel like everything around me is unknown, and unknown is hard for someone like me. I always want to plan, I’m a destination person for sure. If you’re reading this and feel like any of it relates, just know that you are not alone. The process of change and growth is a hard one, but I do believe that we can get through it. I believe that it is necessary. And in the meantime of living in the unknown, we can join together and get through the day to day side by side. Thanks friends. Love and hope to all of you :’)

Thankful For Winchester

Well, I've got to add to the long list of people today who are posting what they are thankful for. I've decided i'd like to make a collective list of things that i'm thankful for since moving to Winchester. Even though I have decided to move back to Ohio next month, I am still in awe of the ways God has worked in my life over these last few months (even when it's been so incredibly tough.)

So let's get started!

I am thankful that...

• Jesus is King, even when I try to rule over my own life during certain times, even when I claim to be anything but His. He somehow always brings me back to Him, and that is the biggest blessing of my life. 
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• I was hired at Planet Fitness when I moved to Winchester. Throughout my time here getting to know my wonderful coworkers, I have gotten to experience so much community and life with them. They make me laugh on the daily, and have cared for me so well. I will miss them all dearly when I move back home, but I know we will all still keep in touch.
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• Even though my anxiety and depression have come in waves, often crashing unexpectedly, I have continued learning how much I still need Jesus. I think it's easy for us to forget about that sometimes when life is going well, and moving to Winchester has forced me to recognize that fact again. I hope I continue to learn this.
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• I met Micah. He is so incredibly sweet to me. He shows me Jesus in the way he cares for me and my heart and my life. He is always so quick to offer up himself to serve me well, and always goes the extra mile to reassure me how much he thinks of me and how loved I am by God. His intentionality is something I’ve prayed over for so long.
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• I have had the opportunity to move into my Young Life Area Director and his wife’s house. Ben and Jill have blessed me so much since moving here – Whether it be with food, friendship, their time, and especially their home, they never hesitate to offer up what they can to help me out. Their kindness, laughter, and willingness to share Jesus with me has been crucial for me.
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• I have made so many new friends since moving here. I have met so many kind, caring, funny, smart, charismatic, genuine people and my heart is so full because of them. Although our time has been short, it has been so full.
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• Moving away makes you realize how much you already had back at home. It’s so easy for us to desire and long for more, to not be thankful for what we already have. My time away has made me appreciate my home, my family, and my friends on a level I didn’t know was possible. In all of the little and big things, easy and hard, they have helped mold me into who I am and who I continue to grow to be. I would never take back my time in Winchester, but it sure does make me thankful for life back home. I know I will move away again someday, and I will make sure to take this lesson with me when I go.

There are many more things I am thankful for, that I have learned, and that God is doing in my life. This was just a short list. I encourage you to make your own list today, to share it with the people you care most about. I’m praying for blessings headed your way, for a great day with family and friends, and for lots of yummy food. Be blessed, y’all. 

Winchester - Month One

                My first month in Winchester has officially come and gone, and WOW have I enjoyed my time.

               The first few days were so fun! So many new faces, yummy food, and so many laughs, but the following week was really hard. Two of my roommates were out of town, and the other one had to work a lot. I felt very lonely and missed home a lot – All of my people and all of my places. I cried quite a few times wondering if I had made the right decision in moving to Winchester. I talked to my counselor about it (shout out to Lisa, she’s literally the best) and she suggested trying to fill my time as much as I could. To go read somewhere, site see (I live in a historical district so that’s neat), meet more people and make plans with them.. So I did!

                I went to this cute ‘lil coffee shop called Hopscotch near my house. I read, wrote letters to some friends, had some quite time, and painted. I decided this would be my new spot – It reminds me of Scouts/Coffee Expressions from back home and I like that. I thought about all of the time I would be spending here and felt happy about it.

                A few days after that, I went to one of the local high schools named John Handley. They have this big hill behind the school, and if you walk to the top of it, you have the sweetest view of Winchester. I prayed for the kiddos there and for the future relationships that might develop through Young Life. I prayed that I wouldn’t compare my hometown to this new place, to not diminish it’s people and experiences, to not put it in a box. I prayed that I would have fresh eyes and a servant’s heart for these kids and this community.

                I got a job at Planet Fitness, and I’ve made some cool friends through that. All of the old people who work out there always seem to love the fact that I’m from Ohio ad laugh about how I say pop instead of soda.  Also, one asked me if my car was rusty and I told him I don’t think that’s a stereotype about people from Ohio? He laughed and walked away, and I am still confused.

                Besides missing my people back home, I’ve learned that moving away has proved not as scary as my anxiety tried to convince me it would be. Don’t get me wrong, some days are really hard and I struggle with being here and my heart aches. But I’ve realized I’m still doing a lot of the same things I did back home, here – Still eating lots of chicken, still being weird, and still crying at cute videos of weddings/soldiers coming home/home births. I’ve gained some new friends, new places to hang, and a new connection to Jesus I hadn’t yet experienced. He’s showing me what stepping out of the boat looks like – The risk in sinking, but the reward if I try to trust Him. But mostly that He’s here either way.

But that’s all for now! Just wanted to give a quick update on my life and to say hello. If any of you from Ohio are reading this, please give my mom a hug for me, thanks!

A Letter To My Black Friends

To my black friends… I am sorry.

I am sorry that you have been booed. Outcast. Set aside. Left out to die.

I am sorry that white people ask you to forget about slavery because, ‘it doesn’t happen anymore’, but we don’t dare forget 9/11 because it was an injustice to the American people. Because, ’it’s not the same!!!!” It’s been 16 years since 9/11 and we still grieve it. We still have moments of silence, still have memorials, and say, ‘DAMN THOSE TERRORISTS!!!!!’ And that’s okay.

.. Except for your torture lasted for years and years, more than just one day, which means so did your grief. Even when slavery ended, you still had years and years of oppression. Years where you couldn’t attend the same schools, use the same water fountain, walk into the same grocery store. And somehow, you should just forget about this. You should just forget that your great grandmother was raped by a white man and that was considered okay and normal and without repercussion. In fact – that’s half the reason her life was bought – so a white man could do with what he wanted with her body, whether that be to work his fields or fulfill his sexual desires.

I am sorry that the movement Black Lives Matter has been labeled satire, ridiculous, the movement with no basis, the movement that started for, ‘no reason.’ I am sorry that you had to create movement to stress the importance of your life. I am sorry that even though you created this movement, white people say it’s not important. That because it doesn’t affect them, or that, ‘that stuff doesn’t happen here,’ you MUST be wasting your time fighting for something that doesn’t need fighting for. I am sorry that they say ALL lives matter, all the while ignoring your life when you’ve been shot wrongfully by the ones who are supposed to protect it. I am sorry that the good cops aren’t always the ones in your neighborhood.

I am sorry that people rush to give me every reason why the BLM is a waste of time, why it doesn’t matter, why the reasons we peacefully protest aren’t even true. Yet they don’t say the same things about the KKK or the Westboro Baptist Church. In fact, they rarely even think of those acts of terrorism on a daily basis. They don’t denounce them the same way they denounce you and your skin color.

I am sorry that the few people who have claimed to be a part of the BLM movement and have harmed other humans, who have destroyed businesses and caught the streets on fire, are used to label the movement as an entirety.. But that the white people who have spat, hit, and called black people nigg**s at the Donald Trump rallies aren’t held to the same standard. I am sorry that those people ‘don’t represent every Trump supporter and what they believe,’ but that every person who supports BLM must be an idiot who isn’t educated.

I am sorry that you are a statistic.

I am sorry that Trayvon, Michael, Eric, Ezell, and Akai (and many more) had to be taken from you. I am sorry that I cry for them because I am heartbroken, but that you also cry because of fear that it might happen to you or your loved ones.

I am sorry that I am labeled a crybaby liberal for saying my heart is broken for you, but you are called a nigg** instead.

I am sorry that people still say the word nigg**.

I am sorry that I have lost Twitter followers for posting my beliefs and opinions, but that you have lost the lives of family members for the very same.

I am sorry that I don’t know enough of your black history, and that white people get pissed off that we don’t have White History Month.

I am sorry that I haven’t always stood up for you in the ways I should have when my white friends talk about you.

I am sorry that I have had hard circumstances and things I’ve had to overcome, but that it’s never been because of my skin color.

I am sorry that I can walk the streets at night and fear rape or kidnapping because I am a woman, not because I am white. I am sorry that you walk the streets at night and fear being raped, kidnapped, shot, and even killed, because you are black.

I am sorry that the store clerk stares at you and another employee ‘unsuspiciously’ follows you because you are black and they KNOW you are going to steal something.. But while they are wasting their time watching you, my white friend picks up something off the shelf and gets away with it.

I am sorry that this one kid I went to high school with said that, “98% of people on welfare are black, and that ‘they’ take advantage of the system, and definitely aren’t educated or even have a job.” But that most of the people I personally know abusing welfare are the white people around me. I am sorry they get to abuse the system and not be called names on social media, but that you are called a lazy ass black person.

I am sorry that my white friends want to be a part of your culture in every way except for the ways that get them shot and killed for no reason, and that they don't seem to understand why this is an issue.

I am sorry that there is not much at all that I can offer you besides the fact that I will walk beside you in protest, that I won’t keep quiet about the injustices I see happening around me, and that I will continue to pray for you.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for the million more things I can’t think of right now, and for the things I haven’t yet recognized. I am sorry that I even have to write this letter at all.

But mostly, I am sorry that I will never be able to understand your pain. I am sorry that I will never be able to walk in the exact same shoes as you, that I can’t walk the same path. I am sorry that white people think we are equal in 2017, but would never openly and willingly subject themselves to the same cruelty you have to endure every day.

I am sorry that you have to face all of this because you are black – but I am not sorry that you are black. And I hope you aren’t ever sorry for that either. 

Face Value

I was removing my makeup last night, and couldn’t help but squint in disappointment with the result of my face without makeup on. I silently continued insulting myself as I removed the rest of my makeup and did my bedtime routine.

Why are my cheeks so chubby? What happens when I get married and my husband wakes up to his bride without makeup and he doesn’t like what he sees? Don’t look down at your stomach, it’s too fat. When did I get so big that my double chin was undeniable? Fix your eyebrows. Why can’t my eyes stop looking so tired? Maybe I should keep at least my mascara on in case a boy snapchats me (even the ones who are just friends, I don’t want them to think I’m too ugly). Why can’t I get rid of this acne? Why don’t I look like her? Hold your face up, your double chin is showing again. Why does my hair do that? Should I get more diet pills? This is why he doesn’t like you. Is that another pimple? I wonder what she does to look so pretty. It doesn’t matter, it’ll never be you. Do you really ever think a man could look at you in awe? This is why you don’t get picked. This is why you get overlooked. This is why a man doesn’t love you. This is why you are alone. This is why you are ugly.

 

As I took the picture for this blog post, I was worried about the angle, the lighting, whether I should try to do a nude look instead of actually having no makeup on. I wanted to write an honest blog post about my insecurities and how I want to overcome them. I wanted to inspire the women around me to have deep and intentional conversation, thoughts, and prayers about this subject, because unfortunately it is all too familiar for many of them. So began the next round of questions to myself.

Wait, what?! Why did I just say all those mean things to myself? Why do I have this mindset of who I am, just the way I am, is not good enough? How have the world’s lies and ideas of beauty penetrated this deeply in my heart? It is mind boggling to me that I have strayed so far away from what my heavenly father says about me. Because He calls me worthy. Loved. Beautiful. Cherished. Wonderful. Enough. Significant. He loves the way my cheeks poke out, and He thinks my vampire tooth is cute. He says my double chin is good for funny pictures, and that my eyes are beautiful, even more so without makeup on them. He says my husband will be one who honors my body and my heart, and won’t blink when he sees my messy hair and smudged eye liner (there might even be some drool on the pillow? I sleep really well.)  God knows my acne doesn’t define my value, and that it’s okay to look down at my stomach and still think good thoughts. He is rooting for me. He is shouting my praises all the day long. He is weeping with me. He is strong and mighty, and is going to bat for me daily. He is fighting the good fight for me. He says He won’t rest until I believe Him.

The God of the universe sent His son to die for me on the cross. A real life MAN went to bat and died for me. He thought so much of me that he DIED for me. He did not pause, He did not flinch, and He did not stop when my face flashed across His mind as He hung in agony. He did not look upon me and say that He couldn’t die for me because I am too ugly. Because I have a double chin. Because I hate my body. Because a man hadn’t and maybe wouldn’t ever love me. He went to the cross knowing I would despise His beautiful creation of my body, and took His final breath knowing that I wouldn’t always look upon myself with love. He knew that I would curse His intentional handiwork, yet He made me to look like this anyways. I believe that He had this specific moment in mind, and knew that it was worth dying for. He knew that I would start this conversation, and I think He hoped that I would allow myself to be vulnerable with all of you. I think I wanted to write this so I could let you know that you aren’t alone. To let the women in my life know that I struggle alongside them, but that I also fight for them in just the same manor. My hope is that we can create an open conversation about our heart issues, about our insecurities, about how we will continue to fight the good fight until the day comes that we KNOW and BELIEVE God’s steadfast truths about us. That we will continue to uplift each other in our darkest moments, and celebrate with each other our greatest accomplishments in this battle. I hope you know that it won’t always be like this, and I hope you remind me on the days when I don’t believe that for myself. I hope you feel loved today, and chosen. 

I hope you feel beautiful. 

But just in case you don’t, read those  4^th and 5^th paragraphs again. And if that doesn’t work, hit a sista up, because I have some really great pickup lines and I’ll buy you some ice cream while I sing Justin Bieber to you. What more could you want? ;) 

Acceptance

"The best acceptance speeches are the ones we give ourselves."

I have been away from home and in Florida for 45 days. I have cried, laughed, been angry, happy shouted, questioned why I am here, and I’ve witnessed the lives of our middle school friends be transformed. I have been exhausted and tired, but I have been joyful and alive as well.

I have been left out in the open and exposed to the gospel – and it has been the hardest, most challenging time during my walk with Jesus thus far in life. But along with that, it is the most growth and honest thing I’ve been through. I am in this constant state of being perplexed about how one human brain can realize and learn so much without even trying. The God of the universe is taking the time out of His day to show me how inheritably human I am, but pleading and pursuing me to walk alongside Him. How am I so lucky? (Even when I don’t always feel that way)

I originally set out to write this blog to keep you guys updated about what my time here so far has been like – Things like the amazing friends who are my fellow interns, my daily life in the kitchen, my summer staff, and what is going on in my heart. But I’m going to step outside of that, and just jot down some bullet points about what God is showing me. I want to be able to look back and see the bigger picture, see what God is doing outside of all of those distractions. I want to see the things I am accepting about myself and the things around me. I hope you join in my time of self-reflection, and if not, well…. Look at my Instagram I guess? That’s where the “good” things go that I like to show off because I’m human and crave attention.

·         Pride – Jesus is showing me that my pride/ego are HUGE. He is showing me that I hide behind being funny, loud, independent (from boys, not my mom. I still live her) carefree, and weird, and whatever else so my insecurities don’t show through. While I do believe God has blessed me with those things, I think I can more often than not use them in a way that doesn’t glorify Him. I think more often than not, I use them in front of people because I secretly wonder… What if these people really knew me? What if they knew that I am selfish and prideful? What if they knew that I gossip? What if they knew that I looked at my body and saw something not worthy of being called beautiful or worth loving? What if they knew that I struggle with the temptation to live in worldly things (partying, boys, etc?) What if they really knew ME? I am learning to accept that this is something I have struggled with for a very long time, that it is a something deeply rooted in my soul. It is going to be a long hard road. Which brings me to my next point...

·         Insecurity – I have realized during my time here that I do not have the confidence people often assume I do. I do not have confidence in the Lord and who He made me to be, and wow. How heartbreaking is it to Him that I do not love and accept the wonderful creation that He worked so hard on? That He intentionally made. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things I am confident in, like I mentioned above. I am confident that I can make a room full of people laugh, that I can tell a man I don’t need him, and that I can be the loudest person anywhere at any time at all. But am I confident that I am loved? Accepted? Am I confident that I have purpose, that I am beautiful, that I am His beloved? Am I confident in the Lord? Do I believe what He says about me? About His people? About how I should live? The answer most times is a resounding no. But I am (stubbornly) accepting that He is doing a good work in me, and He is breaking me of these things. SLOWLY but surely. I am excited to see what life back home looks like with what He is teaching me here.

·         Control – This one is hard. I have realized now more than ever that I am crazy about being in control and how things happen around me. I am crazy about the details, not only in my own life, but in the lives of those around me. The way they think about this or that, the way they cut the things we are cooking, how and when they do what I tell them to do, why they are doing this instead of that, etc. They could be doing it in a way that is still right and that will still get it done in time and correctly….. But it’s not how I would do it, so it’s wrong and I am immediately going to question you in an accusatory tone so you know I am not pleased. I think I am the boss, that I am in control. But let me tell ya, Jesus is shouting, “JUST LET ME DO MY JOB! REST IN THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL AND THAT I DO! STOP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL AS IF THEY AREN’T ENOUGH. And I’m like, “okay big man, I get it. I’m trying (maybe). Go ahead and do ya dang thang.” And yes, that really is how I talk to Jesus. I think He likes it though, maybe?

There is about a million and one more little and big things, but we’d have a 12 page blog by then, so I’ll spare you the details unless you ask. Thank you for reading thus far. I’d like to ask that you join me in prayer over these things, along with praying for my time here in general. Pray for my summer staff. Pray for my fellow interns. Pray for the lives of many to be saved. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be blessed, my friends.

With Much Love,

-Bri 

Praying For Southwind

Man, I am so excited. I leave for Southwind in just 26 short days, and I am so incredibly pumped! What a journey this will be. 

Most of you know that I have spent a month out of my last two summers at Southwind, and I’ve loved it. This go around, I’ll be spending my WHOLE summer there!! I’ll be serving as the AM Cook intern, and I think it will be very interesting. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a morning person. I looooooveeee sleeping in and I love me a good nap. Learning to wake up at 4:45 am is going to be an interesting challenge, and I am excited to see how the Lord will grow me by doing something I’m not particularly jazzed about. But what I AM jazzed about is getting to serve God’s people in a place that has changed my life for the better, and with some pretty amazing people alongside me.

My day to day life, from what I know so far, will look a little like this..

I will arrive in the kitchen at 5:30 a.m., where I will greet my summer staff folks. Our summer staff are a group of college aged kids who are VOLUNTERRING a month of their lives to come help serve. This is an amazing thing, and it is so cool to get to witness all my soon to be new friends serving in a way that means giving up their time, possible jobs back home, and time away from their loved ones to serve FOR FREE. They are doing this because they know how powerful a week at camp is for our middle school friends, and how life changing it actually can be. I am already so proud of my new friends I haven’t met yet.

Anyways, we will meet at 5:30 a.m. and begin cookin’ up some delicious breakfast food for our campers. After breakfast is made, served, and eaten, we will begin to either prepare for the next day’s meal, help prepare lunch, and sometimes both. The work in the kitchen is tiring. You are sweating A LOT, you’re on your feet for long amounts of time, and you’re inside a kitchen. Which means you aren’t outside in that beautiful Florida weather. It can be agonizing, at least for people like me who can be selfish sometimes (most times). But we do it because the sad truth is, most of our middle school campers will be eating at a table, family style, for the first time. This means they will be gathered with 6 or so people, either their friends or leaders, around a table, where they will eat a meal TOGETHER. This is a treasure most of us take for granted. We don’t see how lucky we are to be able to do this on a day to day basis, or at least more often than some of these kids. They will be creating deeper relationships at these tables, having conversations and laughing, not even realizing the long lasting effect this can have. Having their bellies full and smiles on their faces is the reason we will be willing to wake up so early. To know, that even just for a moment, they got to be a family, will make the long work day so incredibly worth it. It may sometimes be thankless work, but I must be reminded that Christ did and does this on a daily basis. He serves and blesses us in so many ways, and we don’t take the time to say thank you. I love you. I appreciate you. I hope to become better at this during my internship.. After we leave the kitchen, we will get some free time, and if it’s the same as summers before, we get to help with the night activities!!! Nights were my favorite part of camp all four years I got to go as a student. Bright, smiling, happy faces. I am getting goose bumps just thinking of how God’s hand is in all of this.

I just wanted to share with y’all some of what my time will look like so you could join me in prayer of this next month before I leave. Please be praying for our summer staff, our campers, my fellow interns, and the experiences headed our way. Pray that we have servant’s hearts, even when we are tired and weary, even when we might not want to be there anymore. Pray that we listen and move in whatever ways God might be asking us to. Pray that we become more aware of the cross and not take it for granted. Pray that we go into this with pure and humble intentions, or that we learn to be humble about it along the way. That we keep our eyes focused on God and have minimal distractions. Pray that we become a community of people after God’s heart and His people.

This is a list of summer/year long interns, and I’d love for you to be praying for us and our jobs and everything in between…

·        Tanner

·        Lindsey

·        Brian

·        Sean

·        Zach

·        Colin

·        Haley

·        Shelby

·        Sarah

·        Riley

·        Nick

·        Caitlin

·        Martha

Thank you, friends. Be Blessed!

What I Learned At Summer Staff

Before we begin, I just wanted to say PLEASE DO SUMMER STAFF IF YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE IT’LL BE LIFE CHANGING. Also, this is gonna be a bit lengthy. Sorry! (but also I'm not)

God showed me Himself in many different little ways. A few would be.. Getting to spend a day with my friend Ashley from summer staff last summer and her asking me the hard questions. Kasey hearing about me before we even got there from a mutual friend and instantly becoming pals. Gillian and her comforting eyes telling me that it was okay to be sad. Grace from Cleveland so I have friend who’s not so far away. And DJ Keesh saying, “Maybe that’s why you're supposed to be here.” I am thankful for these things, among a million others.

For a while now, I've been struggling with depression. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, and there was a lot of denial and shame about it. I thought if I just kept focused on God, i'd find relief. But the depression just got worse. I was drowning in it and I woke up most days with the feeling of not wanting to be alive. I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to be here, in y life, in my circumstances. And I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought people would say that Christians can't struggle with depression because that means they don't love Jesus enough. Or that they would treat me differently. Or that it would remind them of our friend who committed suicide a few years back and it would hurt them. But I have recently within the last few months learned that those things are lies, and that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this life alone

While at summer staff, Jesus did some work in my heart, let me tell ya. It was easier to be happy at Southwind, and to actually be around people. Although my problems did come to surface more, I had a community of people who were loving on me, and saying that I belonged. But there was one particular day that I woke up and I was just so angry. And sad. I didn’t know why, and that made it worse. I made it to breakfast but then I couldn’t even eat and I had to get up and walk out. My summer staff boss (who is too legit, btw) came out to where I was, and patiently listened to me sob and snot everywhere and then prayed over me. She suggested going out to the bike path by myself, for an hour, and spending time with Jesus. I didn’t think anything would come of it, but I went. And then Jesus was all like, “LOL GOTCHA! PLZ DON’T DOUBT ME AGAIN,” and He was “saying” that because I opened up my devotional to the perfect page, and it was the story about the man who was paralyzed on his mat. I’ve heard it a million times, I’ve given YL talks about it, but this time, it was for me.

In this particular passage, Jesus asks, “Do you want to get well?” And this man is sick and left out and alone, so of course we are thinking he wants to get well. But in this particular devotional, the author talks about being willing. He also happened to go through a spout of depression, so it felt relatable. And I guess I never thought about that in my own life. I wanted Jesus to make me well. I didn’t want to be depressed anymore, I didn’t want to always want to be alone, to have no ambition, to struggle to just get out of bed every day, to never have an end to this sadness. But what was I doing to change my circumstances, to get through this depression with Jesus? Absolutely nothing is the answer. I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t worshipping, I wasn’t being held accountable, I wasn’t seeking Christ in any way shape or form. I wasn't seeking Christ in any way. But what I was doing was participating in worldly things, and that’s exactly what I got. A worldly depression. But thank God (literally) that He did something to me in that hour alone out on the bike path. I felt like a weight had been lifted. My spirit completely changed. I cried and he heard me. I can’t explain why or how, but He changed me.

I am still depressed, and my circumstances are still hard. I am still going to see a therapist. But I know I will eventually see a light at the end of this tunnel. It is by no means easy. I don’t know if it entails eventually not struggling with depression, but I do know that it means I do not walk alone and that I don't have to not be alive to feel joy again. I might forget here and there, but now I have a community here at home and a community from all over who is actively praying and rooting for me. I will not always be okay, but I know now that it is okay to not be okay (Thanks for reminding me of that, Mangas) I know that Jesus has got my back and He is working in the details. I know that I am loved and alive because He wants me to be. And the same goes for you, friends. It is not over. Satan has not won. These small victories will get us to the end. I love you. 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Caitlyn Jenner: I will call you Loved.

"I'm not sure there’s anything worse than causing those whom God loves, to question whether God loves them."  

There's so many articles and blog posts going around about the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. And I'm not here to say whether it's right or wrong, just to share how in my own opinion, I think we as followers of Jesus can react. Not only to Bruce, now Caitlyn, but to the LGBT community in general.

I think we are called to love them. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” {John 13:34-35} So even if we see it as sin or disagree with their decisions, we are still called to love these people. The verse doesn’t include, “UNLESS THEY ARE TRANS OR GAY, THEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO.” That includes their good deeds, sins, accomplishments, flaws, great personality traits, and shortcomings. Love them as they are, ya know? This includes Caitlyn Jenner. It includes me. It includes you.

"For God so loved the world (Caitlyn Jenner) that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." {John 3:16} God doesn't exclude anyone. He didn’t exclude Zacchaeus the tax collector, Rahab the prostitute, or the woman caught in adultery. The list goes on.. He also didn't exclude me. The selfish, prideful, gossiping, sinning, and most times, unfaithful person that I am. When Jesus went to the cross, He saw all I am and all I ever will be, and still chose to die for me. I am so blessed that He doesn’t love me based off my decisions, because I would have been forgotten a long time ago. I have a feeling most of us would have.

Let’s shift the topic a little bit, to the reason I feel the need to post this blog in the first place. The reason I think we are called to love everyone... Let’s talk about the rate of suicide among transgender youth and adults in our country. The numbers are sobering. As are the staggering numbers of homeless youth who come out to their parents, and instead of being comforted and supported, find themselves on the streets. Let’s talk about them. Because every time a celebrity—whether you think their fame is deserved or not—comes out, the road gets a little easier for those kids, and those adults. According to surveys, 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population has self-reported a suicide attempt, with that number climbing to between 10 and 20 percent for lesbian, gay or bisexual respondents. By comparison, 41 percent of trans or gender nonconforming people surveyed have attempted suicide.. Isn't this heartbreaking? Some of you may know, but for those of you who don't, I myself attempted suicide when I was in high school. Though my reasons may have been different, I was still broken, and I could and still can identify with the LGTB community who have been through this. When you're at that point, when you feel so lonely and hurt, you don't need more reasons (from people, the media, society, etc) to make you feel unloved, unwanted, like that is your only option out of it all. You need love, grace, mercy, kindness, support, etc. You need a community of people who want to help lift you up out of your darkness. 

Will you join me in changing how we as Christians treat those around us, including the LGBT community? Because the reality of all of this is that every. single. one. of us sins. None of us are short of this disease. But God still wakes us up every day, still loves us, and still makes His mercies new for us each morning. He loves us despite of what the world says about us, and how society says people should treat us. We worship a God who looks past all of it. He asks that we do the same for His people, no matter who they are.

How can you love someone better today?

You See The Depths Of My Heart, and You Love Me The Same

The last 8 months or so of my life have been some of the hardest ones yet. I started college and just as soon, had to leave (there's this thing where you have to pay for it and that sucks, haha) But don't fret, I plan to return. During that time, I realized that college is the real deal and you don't get to slack off like in high school. School has never been my forte, so this was a whole new world for me. Lots and lots of homework, studying, and naps (well the nap part wasn't exactly new) I had also left an organization that had pretty much been my life since 8th grade. Young Life is a huge part of me and why I am who I am today. I quit my short time of leading to go to school and had thought about trying it out at college, but always found an excuse about why I couldn't go. I think I just secretly didn't want to participate in it unless it could be with my hometown. While I deeply miss it and all it comes with, I can look back at my time away as a time of growth and knowing Jesus outside of Young Life. For that, I am so very thankful.

 ...But back to the whole college thing. While there. I began to struggle a lot with getting into the partying scene and all that comes with it. I had friendships, but not deep ones that actually cared about what was going on. Not ones that reminded me of who I am, what I believe in, and questioned me about why I was choosing to participate in activities that I knew weren't life giving. Temptation on a college campus is a real thing, my friends. I commend all those who don't sucumb to it, but relate and care for those of us who give in and get lost for awhile. Sure, drinking can be amusing sometimes. Dressing cute, dancing with your friends, and funny stories. But Satan comes to us disguised as everything we've ever wanted. For me, it was about the attention I would get with my physical appearance, how everyone loved how I could dance, and my sense of humor never hurt either. But compliments from young drunk boys and girls saying you're the life of the party only last so long until you realize that those words are empty and eventually so are you. This kind of life style is not life giving and most definitely isn't fulfilling. I had to realize that the hard way. There's many more grueling details and minor things I was dealing with, but will spare you of them because this post is getting too long. 

But I can't say I would take any of it back because I learned so much from those 6 months away from home, and continue to learn since returning home. Me and Jesus are the most real we've ever been with each other. I've been trying to honestly seeking Him, and like always, He shows up. Though there are very very tough things going on in my life right now, and being in a constant state of falling on my knees is the hardest thing i've ever gone through, it's also the most rewarding because Jesus never leaves. I'm resting in His grace and mercy everyday. His constant love. God is so so good, my friends. This post is random, but I just wanted to share with my small world of people about my life and what it looks like currently. 

"Even when the rain falls,
Even when the flood starts rising,
Even when the storm comes...
I am washed by the water" -NeedToBreathe

Repentance: What It Looks Like To Come Back To Jesus

                I heard that during a sermon at my church earlier this year (shout out to Soma!!) During the sermon, Pastor Dave talked about how the most evident thing of God’s grace is repentance. He said that we as humans often view it as the opposite: Weakness, non-growth with Jesus, etc. It’s so true, at least for me it is. Or was. If you’re asking for forgiveness, you've clearly done something wrong. Your relationship with Jesus MUST be strained, right? Or so I thought.....

He goes on to say that on earth, repentance seems like something we stray from, and from the people who are doing it. But in Heaven, it’s gaining ground. That repentance is the act of coming back to God. At this point, my mind is just completely blown. I've never viewed asking God for forgiveness like this. I always thought that it made me weak, that it was just another time that I've messed up and have to let God down, AGAIN. Needless to say, this sermon up and changed a huge part of my relationship with Jesus. It made me realize that while I am a sinner, I have a God who is at arm’s reach and who is willing to have me back the moment I ask for Him. That asking for forgiveness, in fact, gets me to Him. If my heart’s desire is to be near Him, then repentance is how I do it. Dave said something along the lines of, “because the question is not, ‘do I need repentance?’ It is, ‘Do I see it? Do I see my sin?’” EVERYONE needs repentance, and I am glad that I am qualified in that category. Not that I am glad that I sin, but that I don’t have to feel like a bad Christian for needing God’s grace. I’m glad that I am included in EVERYBODY instead of feeling alone in my sin. I no longer have to feel a negative stigma when I am talking to God about my brokenness, something all of us humans suffer with. I am not weak, I am trying.

These last 6 months of my life have been some tough ones. I've been experiencing a whole whirlwind of ups and downs, and I can’t say that I’ve looked to God in a lot of it. I can say that not looking to God has caused me even more hurt and sin, and I've been trying to clean myself up before I let Him in again. But my bestfriend Ashley just recently reminded me that I don’t have to be clean to come to God, He is the one who does that. He makes me new. He takes my filthy rags and washes them white as snow. I went back to viewing forgiveness as something only “weak Christians” do and thinking that my community would judge me if I just up and put my sin out there for the world to see. But then I went back, reread my notes from this sermon, and it hit me like a ton of bricks again. While I can’t say that I am happy about my recent decisions, I can say that my heart if overwhelmed with relief that I don’t have to be. I am once again amazed and in awe of my God who is still here. Still quietly whispering to me that I am still His. Repentance is a beautiful thing, my friends. And I am glad to be reminded of it. 

Proverbs 16:9

         "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9 

(shoutout to Jeromy Laux for showing me that verse awhile back. It has comforted me immensely as of lately.)

        When you're in highschool, you make a lot of plans for your life and what's gonna happen after you graduate. Go to this school, have this job, experience these things, be with these people. And while some of us get to those things and it all happens the way we planned or close to it, some of us experience things a little (or maybe a lot) different than what we thought. As for me, I fell into the second category. I wanted to graduate high school, go to a university I had not yet chosen, become a Young Life leader, fall in love, get A's and B's, have a ton of friends, be comfortable financially, so on and so forth. And a lot of little details in between. What I got was much different....

          Graduation came around and it was time to "actually start life". But things went a whole heck of a lot differently than I had ever planned. To save you the long and boring details, it ended up being a year before I would finally start going to college. During this year, my family experienced a divorce, moving to a new home, and having to do things a lot differently and a lot harder. I had to step up to the plate and help take care of my siblings (whom I love with all of my heart and would do absolutely anything for) I got into a car accident without insurance (Ouch, there goes my paycheck for court fees, tickets, a really high insurance payment, and fixing this ladies car) I also acquired a cell phone bill, and some more adult things to pay for I hadn't ever thought about. So now i'm always broke, frustrated, and feel like i'm going nowhere fast. 

          This last year and half, i've spent a lot of time feeling lowly, and feeling like I was never enough. I felt like I could never get ahead. I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do. I felt like the world looked me as an unsuccessful 18/19 year old.  Would I ever be more than what I am now... But what i've learned so far in my first semester of college (Wright State University, go Raiders! lol i'm lame) is that life doesnt have to go as previously planned to still be worthy of love and acceptance. I've learned that college isn't for everyone. I've learned even more so that people come from all walks of life, and just because that life doesn't fit society's timeline or outline, doesn't mean they aren't people who are worthy of praise. Getting out of bed can be a miracle for some people, and I give you a golden sticker for doing that today if you did. I heard a quote a couple months back that said, "nothing will ruin your twenties more than thinking you should have your life together already." And that is SO true. MY life is a serious mess, but i'm getting through it day by day. I have recently realized that I don't know exactly what I want to go to school for. I don't have a car anymore and that puts a huge dent in my work schedule and financial situation. And I might be moving back home and going to my local community college. And even though some of these things aren't what I planned for my life, I am okay and I am still wrapped in the arms of my Father. I also recognize that if I had spent more time praying about these things and listening to God's truth instead of the worlds, I would have been a lot less stressed. But i'm starting fresh, and i'm moving forward. Life doesn't have to go as previously planned to be successful. Remember that, my friends. 



      I want to say a HUGE thank you for the people who have been by my side while on this journey so far. I want to say thank you to my mother for supporting me no matter what my life looks like, and letting my cry when it all seems to be too much. And to Ashley because she helps me see that as long as I am happy and doing what's best for me, that it's all going to be alright. She has spent some time in prayer over me, and has blessed me more than she knows. And to all of the people who have guided me, gave me a positive word, and loved me thus far. You have all contributed to a more positive and faithful Bri. I can honestly say that I am thankful for these unexpected events because i'm learning a lot from them. If you've stuck around to read my ramblings, thank you and have a wonderful day. 

Tight Like 7

JAMES RAMBO

So there's this kid, and his name is James. He's in a wheelchair, smokes cigarettes, wears the same hat everyday, doesn't sleep, and blows my mind with his thoughts on life. We are complete opposites in just about everything, but still, somehow, he has managed to become my bestfriend here.

 He has talked with me every night until at least 2 in the morning (we've managed to go until 4 a.m. before, multiple times at that) for like the last four weeks about who I am, what I think, my life, and everything inbetween. And if you know me well, you know that I can talk a lot. But he listens and comments, and I do the same for him. It's our thing. Through all of this, i've learned a lot about myself and what I think. He calls me out on my crap, but in the way that only your friends can. Ashley is really good at that too. But anyways. I guess that I just wanted to make an appreciation post about him because he has helped me a lot. He's been a friend, and who doesn't need a friend or two, ya know? 

Fatherless

A word that no longer defines me. 

(This post is not intended to be a hateful one, but a story of my realization on my end. A story of the truth after so many lies I let myself believe. I held myself and my dad to impossible standards. I am not broken because of how our story was written, and I do not need fixing from a human. He and I are the same looking sinners in need of the same looking cross. I know now that the things I used to believe and that are listed below are not the things my dad intended on my feeling. Life happens, ya know? It wasn't his fault.)

Over these last few weeks, I have realized that most of my life, fatherless has defined who I am, what I have done, and what I do now. That word has made me feel so lowly for a long time. But as of lately, i've been wondering why I have allowed my circumstances to become who I am, or what I am known for. Why I walk around with it stamped across my forehead, or at least that's how I feel sometimes.

There are many great things about me, and many great things that have happened in my life. But that word, fatherless, has crept into so many parts. It has made me insecure in who I am, telling me that my value in not that of significance because I didn't have a dad. Or that I shouldn't trust men. I believed that somehow, that single word is the biggest part of me, and that I am somehow not a whole  person because of it. That being fatherless is all my testimony has to it. That my humor, love, and and compassion for people all came from being fatherless, because I learned how to be happy without one and learned how to treat people the way I always wanted to be treated from a father. And maybe these words only make sense to me, but that's okay. 

Here lately, I have learned even more so that I was never fatherless. There's always been one for me in Heaven, whether I wanted to acknowledge that or not. I have learned that I am of importance simply because God created me, not because who was or was not in my life. I have learned that I can trust man and give man a chance, because even those who have wronged me are still products of the same God I am, and still deserve Grace as I do. That my testimony is a story of God's unconditional love and nothing else. That my humor, love, and compassion for people isn't always because I didn't get that from an earthly father and just want people to have what I didn't, but because that's what God chose to give me to lead the lost and broken like myself back to Him. This word, this simple word, doesn't have power over me anymore.

 I am Brianna Nichol Ragan. I am loud. I love to sing and dance like a crazy person. I love Jesus. Buffalo sauce is good on everything in my opinion. I'm always cold. I am weird. Those are things about me, and they can change at anytime. But that's okay, because they don't define me. Who I am in Christ is all that matters. 

The Day I Met My Dad (10-11-14)

And I want you to know, Mike, that I forgive you and I forgive myself for holding in so much pain. I want to show you love and light, and I want to you to know that it's okay that things weren't ideal for us. Everything in life happens for a reason, I want you to forgive yourself for not always being around, and I don't want you to carry around the burden of that. Whether you could change that or not, it doesn't matter. We are here, in the now, and that's all anyones got. Whether this day is all we have, or there are many more, we will always be defined by what we choose. I am not fatherless, and you are not daughterless. We are who we are.